Sunday, March 27, 2005

Bubble Gum Dream

I have always had vivid, detailed dreams, but recurring dreams are few. One I have had all my life is the dream of flying, but as I got older, electric wires would get in my way. But, I still dream of flying, had one just a few nights a go, I made it over the electric wires, soared over, then slowly landed, as I struggled to stay a high above, in the fast blowing wind.
This gum dream though, is driving me crazy, I do not like it and in the dream it causes me physical pain. I have had it for months now, and it happens at least two times a week if not more. It has developed into one of those dreams, where you recognize you are dreaming, you tell yourself in your dream, that you are dreaming.
I once had to scream at myself to wake up, because it hurt so bad and was so frustrating. Anyway, this is the basic dream..

No matter what setting is in the dream, I suddenly realize I am tasting the sweetness of bubble gum. I am listening or talking to someone, when the gum gets in the way, so I try to take it out of my mouth, but it stick's to the roof of my mouth, at first I try to apologize to the person, as I pull on it, then I try to hide my face from them, as I pull and pull at this gum. It stretches and stretches, but will not come out. I can feel it pull at the roof of my mouth and it feels like it is going to rip my palate off. A piece will come off, but then I realize there is more in my mouth, and I start pulling all over again.

I think this dream has to do with Clark's struggle to get the words out, I had hoped it would go away when I had this thought, but it hasn't.

Anyone else have strange dreams? Especially, the same one over and over?

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Not in Control

The sun is shining in my window, I feel the warmth on my forehead, I love that warmth, it means life. Life .......
Clark had his 2nd catherization, but he is just too blocked, we all tried to make the stents successful, but heart bypass is coming very soon. We are going to go through a quadruple bypass. I want to tell you about all the wonderful people we met today. Patients, family members, doctors, nurses, technicians, cleaning people. Clark brought each of them into our life's today. Pam, Greg, Betty, Brenda, Dr. V, Dr. B, Jack, Jordan, Carolyn, Vickie, Linda, there are even more.... Clark made each of them smile, some said he was a breath of fresh air. Clark isn't a saint, I can tell you stories, about his temper, but to help himself, he jokes, he reaches out to help someone else. The sun is still shining on me through the window, I feel it's warmth, and I want Clark to be well, I wish, I pray, I want.... him to be well, I want him to live...to saltwater fish, and to feel the warmth...

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Lonely and Loved

Clark will be going back for his 2nd catherization on Thursday. We had some fun added to this drama of medical problems... Since, we have to be there at 6:45 in the morning, they will pay for a hotel room for us. (I am sure it is buried somewhere in that bill).
But, now we can go out to dinner, go to our room, close to the hospital, soak in the tub and rise in the morning for the "occasion". Clark, has been through so much, he shed tears of relief after the first catherization. His chest pain has gone. I pray they can get the 2nd stent in and stop the fear of open heart surgery.
I wish I were one of those amazing, strong people, who seem to weather every storm. But, sometimes I feel so isolated from the other people that I know, sometimes even Clark. People, friends.. (and I can't blame them)don't want to hear about your medical dealings, and to talk with Clark in detail...is a combination of things. He has too much already to deal with, and he forgets a lot of what I tell him anyway. Anyway, I am feeling optimistic but isolated. That is okay, we will prevail.....

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Tears

Clark sheds tears of relief. Clark is talking about the catherization, he is glad it is over, and I see the change in his face, the eyes crinkle, tears well in his brown eyes and begin to over flow. The tension flows out, down his cheeks and he licks a tear as it goes by his lips. He looks at me and smiles, he is so glad that part is over.
I want to sear each moment of Clark in my mind, each twinkle of the eye, the smile, the anger in those eyes, as they narrow to slits and look as if they good shoot bolts of lightning out to whatever is angering him. His messed up hair, his beautiful strong legs, that always have brought quivers to me. Tears, the relief he felt, was tangible for just a moment.....

Dr. M

Hyper, Hyper ....this man has so much energy, I swear he is about to explode. He is very tall, and you if you can imagine a thermometer and the mercury rising steadily, to over 100 degress, you can visualize Dr. M.
Clark saw him about 1 1/2 years ago, after he examined Clark and left the room, we looked at each other and burst out laughing. I am not sure he heard Clark answer his questions, nor did he even attempt to give him the time to answer. He would acknowledge to Clark, "yes I understand you have problems speaking from the strokes, take your time". He would then take a breath and take off with more questions, not getting answers for the previous.

It was the day after Clark's first catherization and he was very sore, not only from the catherization, but his back was killing him from laying down for so long. Clark, was getting very testy...
I explained to him that Dr. V (the Dr. who actually did the catherization and inserted the stent), wanted him to stay the weekend, so Monday they could attempt to finish.
This was not sitting well with Clark to begin with, he was insisting that he was leaving today, when Dr. M walked in the room. My heart sank, knowing this was going to turn very sour, very quick.
Dr. M walked in quickly and sat down, his foot started to tap immediately. I noticed Clark didn't recognize him and thought, "oh maybe this will be okay this time". Dr. M, quickly changed any chance of that. "Well, Mr. B here is what we are going to do",...., flipping his chart pages quickly and not looking at Clark as he spoke.
Clark tried to interject his feelings and what he wanted, but Dr. M got agitated, you could almost hear his thoughts, (how dare this man disagree with me). Dr. M, promptly cut the conversation short, told Clark, "you do what you want", stood up, looked at me and said, "you try to explain it to him", and walked quickly out of the room.
Clark was livid, I mean livid, I thought his groin artery, where they entered for the catherization, would start spurting in any moment. I was upset to, but wanted to calm Clark down, what a mess.
To shorten this story, Vickie the day nurse came in, and slowly but surely she got Clark to calm down. She convinced him to wait and she would get Dr. V on the phone and they could talk and work things out. About, 4 hours later Clark was released from the hospital, but not before Vickie expressed to us how frustrated she was with Dr. M, as she shook her fist in the air a few times. She verbalized to me, out of ear shot to Clark, that Dr. M was purposely going to take his time about signing the discharge papers for Clark, he was being a royal pain.
Dr. M, I am sure you are a okay person, but if I ever see a Dr. M enter a room where Clark is, I will pleasantly say, "Please send another doctor"......

Today

Clark is so strong-willed. He is an optimistic fighter, a sensitive,wonderful man.
Usually, a catherization takes about 45 minutes I was told, if they are fixing the heart then it can take up to about 2 hours. Clark, took 2 hours and 15 minutes. Dr. V found his right carotid was still only 40% blocked (thank goodness), his Circumflex Artery has two diffused areas about 40 to 50% blocked, the Left Anterior Descending Artery about 70%, the Right Coronary artery was the worse. It had a long diffused area starting at 80%, and further down 90 to 95%. They decided to concentrate on the RCA since it was the worse. The doctor said "we worked hard to get this done", Clark and the doctor were partially successful. They were able to get a Cordis Stent in the upper part, but then a "flap over" occurred. Which, if I understand correctly, a tear happened in the artery and flapped over. So, now the bottom part of the RCA is totally blocked. They are going to try again next Thursday. They normally use about 150 cc of dye during this procedure, but they used 450cc on Clark. They were concerned about his kidneys, but in the end, his creatine level was lower when he left the hospital, then when he went in. Good job....Doctor's, nurse, techs, and Clark. There was a snag though, and that was the doctor who came in the next day, to talk to Clark, to go over what Dr. V had done and what Dr. V wants to do next.
Dr. M should not be a doctor, who has to communicate with patients. This guy we have seen two times, and both times were not good. This time was a disaster. He cannot handle any conflict, nor disagreement from the patient. I think I am going to stop this post for now, but I will be back with other post, about this experience. There are many stories and thoughts to be told and Dr. M is one.....

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Tomorrow

Clark is having his Catherization tomorrow. He has been on valium for about 4 days, so he is feeling pretty relaxed now. The doctor is going to check his heart and his right carotid, since the doppler showed his right carotid is now 70% blocked.
He will try to use stents for his heart. I am now going into protective, control mode......

Friday, March 11, 2005

These Words

Strength, love, adventure, excitement, passion, fear, faith, hope and destiny.
These words each hold a special meaning to each of us...
To Clark and to me they each have their own special meaning, yet blended together by years of friendship and love. Each of these words if taken by their selves and thought about, bring a different feeling to each of us and it depends what we are experiencing at any moment in time how we think of them.
Right now to me..
Strength.. I need the word strength, it brings me confidence and comfort. I am strong and I can get through any thing. It makes me straighten my back and sit up and take notice of everything around me. Alert and watchful, comforting.
Love.. oh the word love is most wonderful, to love in all the different degrees it brings. What a wonderful gift. Each person I come to know or pass, if I take the time to look at them and see them, I can feel a degree of love. Each is so special, words can not describe. So, take the word love and feel it, with all it's wonders.
Adventure, OH adventure, I love it and I miss it. There is so much of it when you are young, my fingers play on the computer board as if playing a piano.. they become joyful and light hearted to think of adventure. Clark and I still have so much of it in us. To explore, to know, to be daring and irresponsible, these things have their place.
Excitement.. there are many forms of excitement isn't there? The excitement of not understanding something you are learning and then it hit's you like a bolt of lightning. How exciting it feels, vacation is the next day, seeing two fox playing in your back yard, the world is full of excitement.
Passion.. do you dare share your feelings of passion with just anyone. I think not, passion is so very special, daring, and strong. Obsessive and to the maximum. I like passion, but I control this feeling, it can be so strong it can over take you.
Fear.. adrenaline coursing through you as your car starts to slide towards the edge of a bridge, you wake to someone being in your house at night, your loved one is dying and you can't help, anyone is dying and you can't help. Fear is good for us, it starts the heart pumping, the blood flowing and the mind is so alert it feels like it could burst.
Faith.. we all have it in some form don't we? And it varies like the temperature outside... it is unpredictable to the time. But, when put to the hammer, it comes out strong. Faith, in God comes to me first. Faith, what do you have faith in? Because, when you are down, you need this word.
Hope.. how wonderful to have hope, hope the emotion that can keep you going. I just thought, that hope is kind of a down word, if you are hoping, you are not there are you? You hope to be with Jesus someday, you hope to be somewhere, that you are not. Yet, hope is positive, a good word, it raises you to tree tops, if you let it.
Destiny, what a comfort, how deep this word can be, what will be, will be. We have the choice, yet it is destined....
But, the journey to that destiny is full of These Words.....

Saturday, March 05, 2005

A Tiny Flower

Clark has thought a lot about his heart since my last post. The doctor he saw was very direct and didn't fool around. That is what Clark needed, but it scared the bejeezes out of him. Clark can't remember things for even a short time, let alone before the strokes. So, all of this seems new to him, but he a fighter and wants to stay around to buy a boat and go salt water fishing. Not, fresh mind you (unfortunately we are in Ohio), but salt water. I love the ocean myself, so hopefully some day we will fulfill our dreams.
After Clark came home from the strokes, I remember a few instances, that were amazing to me. He would go outside for a walk, not mentally being all there, and he would look around and look around, then lay down where ever he was and fall asleep. This caused a few scares when he first did it, I would watch him from the window, and see the sun shining on him. Walking with a drag of his right leg and his right arm hanging limply, yet seemingly oblivious to his situation. He was out to enjoy the warmth. I went on and did a few things in the house, then went to look out the window to see if he was okay, and there he was laying on the ground. OH MY!! I ran out to where he was and discovered he was sound asleep. I woke him up, thinking something was wrong, but he was just fine. He was taking in the warmth. Anyway, he got up and suddenly went, "oh, look at that" and reached down to a tiny, tiny white flower, and said "isn't that wonderful, look at it". He was amazed at the beauty of it. I took the time and looked at it with him and agreed it was beautiful, and I felt moved by his wonderment of the smallest of things. Clark wasn't like that before, it was like he was seeing everything for the first time, yet was 60 years old.