There are Moments

Every once in a while, I feel such a deep loss. I miss the man before the stroke, if I look back, which I rarely do, I remember him as he was. He is different now, but he is still the same. That doesn't make sense does it? But it is true. He acts different, talks different, he can't read or write like he could. He is more emotional and sensitive. He struggles to keep up with a conversation, you must be patient and allow him to get the words out. The words are stuck in his brain, he can't bring them quickly. I hurt for him, when his friend talks over him, I can see the frustration, anger that comes to the surface. He becomes quiet with him; with me, he reminds me, I can't go as fast as you. You need to slow down. Do you know how hard it is to stay slow? It has been almost 2 years, I work 40 hours+, I make all the doctor appointments for Clark and myself, I need to go with Clark, because he cannot remember what is said. So, I need to schedule work around his appointments, as well as mine. I am his pharmacist, he takes around 20 pills a day. Thank God, I have insurance. I make sure he takes them when he should, and make sure they are ordered when they should be. I manage all the bills, pay for the home, two vehicles, medical bills, scripts, utilties. I do the laundry, cooking, try to keep the house clean. Try to figure out what to do when the washer is out of balance, try to figure out why the mower won't start, so I can mow the growing grass. (beautiful green it is!) Try to be strong to unload the horse feed and hay for the horses. Make sure our dogs, horses and cats are fed and loved. He is shorter then me now. But, his eyes are still so intensely brown, they still can tell you exactly what he is feeling. They can show anger, love, laughter with a twinkle. His "essence" is still him, I can't put that into words, but that is the key... He is much more then what I have said in this post, the bypass has set him back some, which brought this out I think. He says he is depressed right now, but he can feel the life coming back, the desire to live and be all you can be, just like everyone else.....

Chest Tubes

It is Friday, two days after surgery. They have Clark on morphine and torodol for pain.
Jim, his roommate had surgery the sametime as Clark, also a quadruple bypass.
He is a moaner with his pain, where Clark sits in his chair with his head down, quiet and within himself. On Thursday, the doctor came in and removed Jim's two chest tubes for drainage. I thought Jim was going to wake the dead, he moaned for quite a while after the doctor was done. So, Friday night when Clark's doctor stopped in, and said "okay, you ready to get these tubes out?" Clark, said no not now, let's do that later. The doctor had already made up his mind and you could see his determination. He tore the tape off, Clark says "wait a minute". But, quickly and with expert hands, he says, "okay here we go". And he pulls it out. Clark, responds with "You F-----".
My eyes got wider with that, yet inside I chuckled. I am sure it wasn't funny to Clark at all, but I still saw some humor in the moment, when he said that.
The doctor, just kept on working, "okay, here comes the other one". He pulls it out with a quick, steady pressure. He says, "okay we are done". Clark, says "you aren't taking the other one out?" Dr. says, "I already did". Clark, is shocked, "YOU did?" I think the fear of hearing his roommate, raised his anxiety, but when it was all said and done, it wasn't that bad.....

Feedburner

Fellow bloggers,
What have you heard about Feedburner? I am struggling to understand all this new lingo, url, RSS feed, etc. etc. I started to register to Feedburner, but it said it would republish me with a new URL. Wouldn't that take me off blogspot? I don't want to lose what I have. Any tips, or education for a "wannabe" educated blogger?

Four Hours Later

The surgeon comes to see me 4 hours later. We are in a waiting room, with all the families, waiting for news about their loved ones after bypass, aortic valve replacement, even a tumor being cut out of the heart.
He brings me good news, "Clark is doing well, we did 4 bypasses, we used the Lima artery, and 3 sections of the Saphenous vein, from his left leg. He came off the heart, lung machine very easily. There was no heart damage." While, I waited for a couple hours, to go see him. I watched and heard doctors talking to other families. Everyone reacted differently, yet the same. Tears, stoic, nervous laughter, questions, quiet.
Anyway, it was so good to see Clark, even though he was still intubated, and was puffy and pale. He looked so good, he even tried to talk, I told him " You did it honey, you did it"! He gave me a little smile, then closed his eyes. I ended up spending the night, and Phil the nurse, came and got me around 11:00 PM and let me sneak in to see him. He wasn't intubated anymore, but was in a lot of pain. I barely touched his arm, he opened his eyes and told me "Get off me"! Oh,the pain he was in, he also couldn't communicate very well. The aphasia was worse again, the nurse was having trouble understanding him. Clark tried to respond correctly to "What's your name, when were you born, squeeze my hand, are you in pain"? But, it seemed to be true, all his deficits from the previous strokes were more pronounced. I left the room, he needed his rest, Thank God, he made it.....

Green Leaves

I am looking out my window,I see spring, budding green, yellow, red, life is opening in the trees, if you take the time, you can even see the weed pushing the dirt aside, to live. The air is chilly today, but life is whispering in the air, I am coming and I am beautiful. The grass has gone from brown to brilliant green. The spring rain comes, it flows in the air, the smell, the feel...
Clark is tired, bone tired right now, but just hours ago, he was full of life. He said he felt better then he did before surgery. His mind was going at full speed, all the things he wants to do, will do, but needs a little more rest, just like spring. He reminds me of the seasons, Winter.. harsh, and cold, it hits his senses, going over a bump in the road, it stings his skin, if out to long, pain arises, until all you can do is sit there and drop you head, rest, let the numbness come, whatever happens, happens. Rest, rest, then warmth, sun, you feel the life coming. I can see it in Clark, I am coming, I am coming, life is in me and around me. I am here for a reason, flowers, trees bloom as I do, the pain receeds, I can see me coming to life, as summer does. Full, bursting with energy, taking control of my life. No one telling me, don't lift more then 5 lbs, don't pull, don't push, we need to weigh you, take your pulse. It will be him, freedom, driving, lifting, pushing forward to accomplish all his dreams. I see it, in Clark, his frustrations, and determination. I can't really know what he feels, but I see and guess. I admire him, and only hope if I ever go through what he has, that I will be as strong. Strong, as summer, when everything is full, hot, bursting with life. Windows, are open to the day and the night, the sounds of frogs, crickets, breezes are abundant, you want to take advantage of what God has given you. It will be seen what fall brings, but I see it as, a time to wind down for just a moment, enjoy the color of the leaves, green, yellow and red; rest, stay warm, see the sparkle of winter and go for spring again.
I don't think I really expressed what I wanted to in this post, but I tried, and sometimes that is all you can do....

Yes, I Do

Clark and I are in the pre-surgery room, IV's are all hooked up, the sound of the curtains can be heard in other rooms, with other people talking softly, or sitting in silence. The rush of the nurses back and forth. The surgeon, peeks in and checks to see how his doing. Tells him,"we are ready and they will be bringing you back shortly".
Smiles, as Clark waves and says okay.
We are alone, Clark takes my hand, pulls me close and says, "I love you with all I have in me. If I don't make it, I will be okay, because I know I will be with Jesus, I will wait for you there" Tears start to flow, close to uncontrollable, but we fight them back, so we can continue to speak. I am overwhelmed with what to do, all I can do is take my hand and pat his chest, saying "you will be okay, I know you will". Clark says, "No I have to say this", when they come to get him. His words are lost, except to say to me "you know what I mean, right?" "Yes hon, yes I do, I love you and will see you soon"......

Heart , Lung Machine

What an amazing piece of technology.

Informational link: Heart Lung Machine

Go for the Pass

Wednesday is the day, Clark will be put under general anesthesia, have his ribs parted and spread, people will be seeing parts of Clark again, that I will never see. Part of me wants to be in the operating room, watching quietly and seeing exactly what they are doing. I would need to detach myself totally. Go to that focus place, where you push the emotions way down, so far down they don't exist, you just concentrate on what needs to be done. You see them part the ribs, I imagine you smell blood and bone, a burnt smell maybe, as the ribs are separated, then you would see the heart beating.
I sometimes think about the fact that, the neurosurgeon, actually saw his brain, he saved him, by having the skill and training to do what he does. And now Dr. B, a small man, with a workaholic attitude, small clean hands, will see his heart,lungs, and bones. Enough of that, I could actually go on and on, but the fact is, this happening to Clark, and to not have emotions surface is not possible.

Dr. B and his nurse were very honest and descriptive. I hope I have this right, it is hard to absorb all they are saying, when they are talking about your loved one, but here I go....They will remove a vein (or artery (I am not sure which is right) that isn't really necessary) from behind the heart, and use it for one bypass, then take some from his legs. Dr.B lifted the sheet and inspected his leg for potential vein sites, running his fingers over the area, and noticed the scar from before and looked quizzical?? I reminded him, you took that vein for his carotid artery surgery. Of course, he doesn't remember, but knows the procedure he does, so nods like he does remember. Anyway, he continues... we will use these veins to bypass your clogs. We will have tubes in your heart, for the heart / lung machine, which will keep your blood pumping through out your body. After, we are done, we will remove the tubes from your heart. Start your heart pumping on it's own again. Pull your chest back together and wire it in about 3 to 5 places. Those wires will stay there permanently. We will stitch you up inside, and they will dissolve.
We then got instructions on how Clark needs to practice breathing into the breath contraption after the surgery. I was warned that Clark would not want to do this, because of the pain, but I must make sure he does....