There are Moments

Every once in a while, I feel such a deep loss. I miss the man before the stroke, if I look back, which I rarely do, I remember him as he was. He is different now, but he is still the same. That doesn't make sense does it? But it is true. He acts different, talks different, he can't read or write like he could. He is more emotional and sensitive. He struggles to keep up with a conversation, you must be patient and allow him to get the words out. The words are stuck in his brain, he can't bring them quickly. I hurt for him, when his friend talks over him, I can see the frustration, anger that comes to the surface. He becomes quiet with him; with me, he reminds me, I can't go as fast as you. You need to slow down. Do you know how hard it is to stay slow? It has been almost 2 years, I work 40 hours+, I make all the doctor appointments for Clark and myself, I need to go with Clark, because he cannot remember what is said. So, I need to schedule work around his appointments, as well as mine. I am his pharmacist, he takes around 20 pills a day. Thank God, I have insurance. I make sure he takes them when he should, and make sure they are ordered when they should be. I manage all the bills, pay for the home, two vehicles, medical bills, scripts, utilties. I do the laundry, cooking, try to keep the house clean. Try to figure out what to do when the washer is out of balance, try to figure out why the mower won't start, so I can mow the growing grass. (beautiful green it is!) Try to be strong to unload the horse feed and hay for the horses. Make sure our dogs, horses and cats are fed and loved. He is shorter then me now. But, his eyes are still so intensely brown, they still can tell you exactly what he is feeling. They can show anger, love, laughter with a twinkle. His "essence" is still him, I can't put that into words, but that is the key... He is much more then what I have said in this post, the bypass has set him back some, which brought this out I think. He says he is depressed right now, but he can feel the life coming back, the desire to live and be all you can be, just like everyone else.....

Chest Tubes

It is Friday, two days after surgery. They have Clark on morphine and torodol for pain.
Jim, his roommate had surgery the sametime as Clark, also a quadruple bypass.
He is a moaner with his pain, where Clark sits in his chair with his head down, quiet and within himself. On Thursday, the doctor came in and removed Jim's two chest tubes for drainage. I thought Jim was going to wake the dead, he moaned for quite a while after the doctor was done. So, Friday night when Clark's doctor stopped in, and said "okay, you ready to get these tubes out?" Clark, said no not now, let's do that later. The doctor had already made up his mind and you could see his determination. He tore the tape off, Clark says "wait a minute". But, quickly and with expert hands, he says, "okay here we go". And he pulls it out. Clark, responds with "You F-----".
My eyes got wider with that, yet inside I chuckled. I am sure it wasn't funny to Clark at all, but I still saw some humor in the moment, when he said that.
The doctor, just kept on working, "okay, here comes the other one". He pulls it out with a quick, steady pressure. He says, "okay we are done". Clark, says "you aren't taking the other one out?" Dr. says, "I already did". Clark, is shocked, "YOU did?" I think the fear of hearing his roommate, raised his anxiety, but when it was all said and done, it wasn't that bad.....

Feedburner

Fellow bloggers,
What have you heard about Feedburner? I am struggling to understand all this new lingo, url, RSS feed, etc. etc. I started to register to Feedburner, but it said it would republish me with a new URL. Wouldn't that take me off blogspot? I don't want to lose what I have. Any tips, or education for a "wannabe" educated blogger?

Four Hours Later

The surgeon comes to see me 4 hours later. We are in a waiting room, with all the families, waiting for news about their loved ones after bypass, aortic valve replacement, even a tumor being cut out of the heart.
He brings me good news, "Clark is doing well, we did 4 bypasses, we used the Lima artery, and 3 sections of the Saphenous vein, from his left leg. He came off the heart, lung machine very easily. There was no heart damage." While, I waited for a couple hours, to go see him. I watched and heard doctors talking to other families. Everyone reacted differently, yet the same. Tears, stoic, nervous laughter, questions, quiet.
Anyway, it was so good to see Clark, even though he was still intubated, and was puffy and pale. He looked so good, he even tried to talk, I told him " You did it honey, you did it"! He gave me a little smile, then closed his eyes. I ended up spending the night, and Phil the nurse, came and got me around 11:00 PM and let me sneak in to see him. He wasn't intubated anymore, but was in a lot of pain. I barely touched his arm, he opened his eyes and told me "Get off me"! Oh,the pain he was in, he also couldn't communicate very well. The aphasia was worse again, the nurse was having trouble understanding him. Clark tried to respond correctly to "What's your name, when were you born, squeeze my hand, are you in pain"? But, it seemed to be true, all his deficits from the previous strokes were more pronounced. I left the room, he needed his rest, Thank God, he made it.....

Green Leaves

I am looking out my window,I see spring, budding green, yellow, red, life is opening in the trees, if you take the time, you can even see the weed pushing the dirt aside, to live. The air is chilly today, but life is whispering in the air, I am coming and I am beautiful. The grass has gone from brown to brilliant green. The spring rain comes, it flows in the air, the smell, the feel...
Clark is tired, bone tired right now, but just hours ago, he was full of life. He said he felt better then he did before surgery. His mind was going at full speed, all the things he wants to do, will do, but needs a little more rest, just like spring. He reminds me of the seasons, Winter.. harsh, and cold, it hits his senses, going over a bump in the road, it stings his skin, if out to long, pain arises, until all you can do is sit there and drop you head, rest, let the numbness come, whatever happens, happens. Rest, rest, then warmth, sun, you feel the life coming. I can see it in Clark, I am coming, I am coming, life is in me and around me. I am here for a reason, flowers, trees bloom as I do, the pain receeds, I can see me coming to life, as summer does. Full, bursting with energy, taking control of my life. No one telling me, don't lift more then 5 lbs, don't pull, don't push, we need to weigh you, take your pulse. It will be him, freedom, driving, lifting, pushing forward to accomplish all his dreams. I see it, in Clark, his frustrations, and determination. I can't really know what he feels, but I see and guess. I admire him, and only hope if I ever go through what he has, that I will be as strong. Strong, as summer, when everything is full, hot, bursting with life. Windows, are open to the day and the night, the sounds of frogs, crickets, breezes are abundant, you want to take advantage of what God has given you. It will be seen what fall brings, but I see it as, a time to wind down for just a moment, enjoy the color of the leaves, green, yellow and red; rest, stay warm, see the sparkle of winter and go for spring again.
I don't think I really expressed what I wanted to in this post, but I tried, and sometimes that is all you can do....

Yes, I Do

Clark and I are in the pre-surgery room, IV's are all hooked up, the sound of the curtains can be heard in other rooms, with other people talking softly, or sitting in silence. The rush of the nurses back and forth. The surgeon, peeks in and checks to see how his doing. Tells him,"we are ready and they will be bringing you back shortly".
Smiles, as Clark waves and says okay.
We are alone, Clark takes my hand, pulls me close and says, "I love you with all I have in me. If I don't make it, I will be okay, because I know I will be with Jesus, I will wait for you there" Tears start to flow, close to uncontrollable, but we fight them back, so we can continue to speak. I am overwhelmed with what to do, all I can do is take my hand and pat his chest, saying "you will be okay, I know you will". Clark says, "No I have to say this", when they come to get him. His words are lost, except to say to me "you know what I mean, right?" "Yes hon, yes I do, I love you and will see you soon"......

Heart , Lung Machine

What an amazing piece of technology.

Informational link: Heart Lung Machine

Go for the Pass

Wednesday is the day, Clark will be put under general anesthesia, have his ribs parted and spread, people will be seeing parts of Clark again, that I will never see. Part of me wants to be in the operating room, watching quietly and seeing exactly what they are doing. I would need to detach myself totally. Go to that focus place, where you push the emotions way down, so far down they don't exist, you just concentrate on what needs to be done. You see them part the ribs, I imagine you smell blood and bone, a burnt smell maybe, as the ribs are separated, then you would see the heart beating.
I sometimes think about the fact that, the neurosurgeon, actually saw his brain, he saved him, by having the skill and training to do what he does. And now Dr. B, a small man, with a workaholic attitude, small clean hands, will see his heart,lungs, and bones. Enough of that, I could actually go on and on, but the fact is, this happening to Clark, and to not have emotions surface is not possible.

Dr. B and his nurse were very honest and descriptive. I hope I have this right, it is hard to absorb all they are saying, when they are talking about your loved one, but here I go....They will remove a vein (or artery (I am not sure which is right) that isn't really necessary) from behind the heart, and use it for one bypass, then take some from his legs. Dr.B lifted the sheet and inspected his leg for potential vein sites, running his fingers over the area, and noticed the scar from before and looked quizzical?? I reminded him, you took that vein for his carotid artery surgery. Of course, he doesn't remember, but knows the procedure he does, so nods like he does remember. Anyway, he continues... we will use these veins to bypass your clogs. We will have tubes in your heart, for the heart / lung machine, which will keep your blood pumping through out your body. After, we are done, we will remove the tubes from your heart. Start your heart pumping on it's own again. Pull your chest back together and wire it in about 3 to 5 places. Those wires will stay there permanently. We will stitch you up inside, and they will dissolve.
We then got instructions on how Clark needs to practice breathing into the breath contraption after the surgery. I was warned that Clark would not want to do this, because of the pain, but I must make sure he does....

Bubble Gum Dream

I have always had vivid, detailed dreams, but recurring dreams are few. One I have had all my life is the dream of flying, but as I got older, electric wires would get in my way. But, I still dream of flying, had one just a few nights a go, I made it over the electric wires, soared over, then slowly landed, as I struggled to stay a high above, in the fast blowing wind.
This gum dream though, is driving me crazy, I do not like it and in the dream it causes me physical pain. I have had it for months now, and it happens at least two times a week if not more. It has developed into one of those dreams, where you recognize you are dreaming, you tell yourself in your dream, that you are dreaming.
I once had to scream at myself to wake up, because it hurt so bad and was so frustrating. Anyway, this is the basic dream..

No matter what setting is in the dream, I suddenly realize I am tasting the sweetness of bubble gum. I am listening or talking to someone, when the gum gets in the way, so I try to take it out of my mouth, but it stick's to the roof of my mouth, at first I try to apologize to the person, as I pull on it, then I try to hide my face from them, as I pull and pull at this gum. It stretches and stretches, but will not come out. I can feel it pull at the roof of my mouth and it feels like it is going to rip my palate off. A piece will come off, but then I realize there is more in my mouth, and I start pulling all over again.

I think this dream has to do with Clark's struggle to get the words out, I had hoped it would go away when I had this thought, but it hasn't.

Anyone else have strange dreams? Especially, the same one over and over?

Not in Control

The sun is shining in my window, I feel the warmth on my forehead, I love that warmth, it means life. Life .......
Clark had his 2nd catherization, but he is just too blocked, we all tried to make the stents successful, but heart bypass is coming very soon. We are going to go through a quadruple bypass. I want to tell you about all the wonderful people we met today. Patients, family members, doctors, nurses, technicians, cleaning people. Clark brought each of them into our life's today. Pam, Greg, Betty, Brenda, Dr. V, Dr. B, Jack, Jordan, Carolyn, Vickie, Linda, there are even more.... Clark made each of them smile, some said he was a breath of fresh air. Clark isn't a saint, I can tell you stories, about his temper, but to help himself, he jokes, he reaches out to help someone else. The sun is still shining on me through the window, I feel it's warmth, and I want Clark to be well, I wish, I pray, I want.... him to be well, I want him to live...to saltwater fish, and to feel the warmth...

Lonely and Loved

Clark will be going back for his 2nd catherization on Thursday. We had some fun added to this drama of medical problems... Since, we have to be there at 6:45 in the morning, they will pay for a hotel room for us. (I am sure it is buried somewhere in that bill).
But, now we can go out to dinner, go to our room, close to the hospital, soak in the tub and rise in the morning for the "occasion". Clark, has been through so much, he shed tears of relief after the first catherization. His chest pain has gone. I pray they can get the 2nd stent in and stop the fear of open heart surgery.
I wish I were one of those amazing, strong people, who seem to weather every storm. But, sometimes I feel so isolated from the other people that I know, sometimes even Clark. People, friends.. (and I can't blame them)don't want to hear about your medical dealings, and to talk with Clark in detail...is a combination of things. He has too much already to deal with, and he forgets a lot of what I tell him anyway. Anyway, I am feeling optimistic but isolated. That is okay, we will prevail.....

Tears

Clark sheds tears of relief. Clark is talking about the catherization, he is glad it is over, and I see the change in his face, the eyes crinkle, tears well in his brown eyes and begin to over flow. The tension flows out, down his cheeks and he licks a tear as it goes by his lips. He looks at me and smiles, he is so glad that part is over.
I want to sear each moment of Clark in my mind, each twinkle of the eye, the smile, the anger in those eyes, as they narrow to slits and look as if they good shoot bolts of lightning out to whatever is angering him. His messed up hair, his beautiful strong legs, that always have brought quivers to me. Tears, the relief he felt, was tangible for just a moment.....

Dr. M

Hyper, Hyper ....this man has so much energy, I swear he is about to explode. He is very tall, and you if you can imagine a thermometer and the mercury rising steadily, to over 100 degress, you can visualize Dr. M.
Clark saw him about 1 1/2 years ago, after he examined Clark and left the room, we looked at each other and burst out laughing. I am not sure he heard Clark answer his questions, nor did he even attempt to give him the time to answer. He would acknowledge to Clark, "yes I understand you have problems speaking from the strokes, take your time". He would then take a breath and take off with more questions, not getting answers for the previous.

It was the day after Clark's first catherization and he was very sore, not only from the catherization, but his back was killing him from laying down for so long. Clark, was getting very testy...
I explained to him that Dr. V (the Dr. who actually did the catherization and inserted the stent), wanted him to stay the weekend, so Monday they could attempt to finish.
This was not sitting well with Clark to begin with, he was insisting that he was leaving today, when Dr. M walked in the room. My heart sank, knowing this was going to turn very sour, very quick.
Dr. M walked in quickly and sat down, his foot started to tap immediately. I noticed Clark didn't recognize him and thought, "oh maybe this will be okay this time". Dr. M, quickly changed any chance of that. "Well, Mr. B here is what we are going to do",...., flipping his chart pages quickly and not looking at Clark as he spoke.
Clark tried to interject his feelings and what he wanted, but Dr. M got agitated, you could almost hear his thoughts, (how dare this man disagree with me). Dr. M, promptly cut the conversation short, told Clark, "you do what you want", stood up, looked at me and said, "you try to explain it to him", and walked quickly out of the room.
Clark was livid, I mean livid, I thought his groin artery, where they entered for the catherization, would start spurting in any moment. I was upset to, but wanted to calm Clark down, what a mess.
To shorten this story, Vickie the day nurse came in, and slowly but surely she got Clark to calm down. She convinced him to wait and she would get Dr. V on the phone and they could talk and work things out. About, 4 hours later Clark was released from the hospital, but not before Vickie expressed to us how frustrated she was with Dr. M, as she shook her fist in the air a few times. She verbalized to me, out of ear shot to Clark, that Dr. M was purposely going to take his time about signing the discharge papers for Clark, he was being a royal pain.
Dr. M, I am sure you are a okay person, but if I ever see a Dr. M enter a room where Clark is, I will pleasantly say, "Please send another doctor"......

Today

Clark is so strong-willed. He is an optimistic fighter, a sensitive,wonderful man.
Usually, a catherization takes about 45 minutes I was told, if they are fixing the heart then it can take up to about 2 hours. Clark, took 2 hours and 15 minutes. Dr. V found his right carotid was still only 40% blocked (thank goodness), his Circumflex Artery has two diffused areas about 40 to 50% blocked, the Left Anterior Descending Artery about 70%, the Right Coronary artery was the worse. It had a long diffused area starting at 80%, and further down 90 to 95%. They decided to concentrate on the RCA since it was the worse. The doctor said "we worked hard to get this done", Clark and the doctor were partially successful. They were able to get a Cordis Stent in the upper part, but then a "flap over" occurred. Which, if I understand correctly, a tear happened in the artery and flapped over. So, now the bottom part of the RCA is totally blocked. They are going to try again next Thursday. They normally use about 150 cc of dye during this procedure, but they used 450cc on Clark. They were concerned about his kidneys, but in the end, his creatine level was lower when he left the hospital, then when he went in. Good job....Doctor's, nurse, techs, and Clark. There was a snag though, and that was the doctor who came in the next day, to talk to Clark, to go over what Dr. V had done and what Dr. V wants to do next.
Dr. M should not be a doctor, who has to communicate with patients. This guy we have seen two times, and both times were not good. This time was a disaster. He cannot handle any conflict, nor disagreement from the patient. I think I am going to stop this post for now, but I will be back with other post, about this experience. There are many stories and thoughts to be told and Dr. M is one.....

Tomorrow

Clark is having his Catherization tomorrow. He has been on valium for about 4 days, so he is feeling pretty relaxed now. The doctor is going to check his heart and his right carotid, since the doppler showed his right carotid is now 70% blocked.
He will try to use stents for his heart. I am now going into protective, control mode......

These Words

Strength, love, adventure, excitement, passion, fear, faith, hope and destiny.
These words each hold a special meaning to each of us...
To Clark and to me they each have their own special meaning, yet blended together by years of friendship and love. Each of these words if taken by their selves and thought about, bring a different feeling to each of us and it depends what we are experiencing at any moment in time how we think of them.
Right now to me..
Strength.. I need the word strength, it brings me confidence and comfort. I am strong and I can get through any thing. It makes me straighten my back and sit up and take notice of everything around me. Alert and watchful, comforting.
Love.. oh the word love is most wonderful, to love in all the different degrees it brings. What a wonderful gift. Each person I come to know or pass, if I take the time to look at them and see them, I can feel a degree of love. Each is so special, words can not describe. So, take the word love and feel it, with all it's wonders.
Adventure, OH adventure, I love it and I miss it. There is so much of it when you are young, my fingers play on the computer board as if playing a piano.. they become joyful and light hearted to think of adventure. Clark and I still have so much of it in us. To explore, to know, to be daring and irresponsible, these things have their place.
Excitement.. there are many forms of excitement isn't there? The excitement of not understanding something you are learning and then it hit's you like a bolt of lightning. How exciting it feels, vacation is the next day, seeing two fox playing in your back yard, the world is full of excitement.
Passion.. do you dare share your feelings of passion with just anyone. I think not, passion is so very special, daring, and strong. Obsessive and to the maximum. I like passion, but I control this feeling, it can be so strong it can over take you.
Fear.. adrenaline coursing through you as your car starts to slide towards the edge of a bridge, you wake to someone being in your house at night, your loved one is dying and you can't help, anyone is dying and you can't help. Fear is good for us, it starts the heart pumping, the blood flowing and the mind is so alert it feels like it could burst.
Faith.. we all have it in some form don't we? And it varies like the temperature outside... it is unpredictable to the time. But, when put to the hammer, it comes out strong. Faith, in God comes to me first. Faith, what do you have faith in? Because, when you are down, you need this word.
Hope.. how wonderful to have hope, hope the emotion that can keep you going. I just thought, that hope is kind of a down word, if you are hoping, you are not there are you? You hope to be with Jesus someday, you hope to be somewhere, that you are not. Yet, hope is positive, a good word, it raises you to tree tops, if you let it.
Destiny, what a comfort, how deep this word can be, what will be, will be. We have the choice, yet it is destined....
But, the journey to that destiny is full of These Words.....

A Tiny Flower

Clark has thought a lot about his heart since my last post. The doctor he saw was very direct and didn't fool around. That is what Clark needed, but it scared the bejeezes out of him. Clark can't remember things for even a short time, let alone before the strokes. So, all of this seems new to him, but he a fighter and wants to stay around to buy a boat and go salt water fishing. Not, fresh mind you (unfortunately we are in Ohio), but salt water. I love the ocean myself, so hopefully some day we will fulfill our dreams.
After Clark came home from the strokes, I remember a few instances, that were amazing to me. He would go outside for a walk, not mentally being all there, and he would look around and look around, then lay down where ever he was and fall asleep. This caused a few scares when he first did it, I would watch him from the window, and see the sun shining on him. Walking with a drag of his right leg and his right arm hanging limply, yet seemingly oblivious to his situation. He was out to enjoy the warmth. I went on and did a few things in the house, then went to look out the window to see if he was okay, and there he was laying on the ground. OH MY!! I ran out to where he was and discovered he was sound asleep. I woke him up, thinking something was wrong, but he was just fine. He was taking in the warmth. Anyway, he got up and suddenly went, "oh, look at that" and reached down to a tiny, tiny white flower, and said "isn't that wonderful, look at it". He was amazed at the beauty of it. I took the time and looked at it with him and agreed it was beautiful, and I felt moved by his wonderment of the smallest of things. Clark wasn't like that before, it was like he was seeing everything for the first time, yet was 60 years old.

Go for the pass ? Or not?

Back when Clark had his carotid artery operated on, the doctor's also wanted to do a triple bypass at the same time. See, Clark has atherosclerosis all over, it seems. Even his femoral artery in the right leg has blockage.
Clark, absolutely refused to have the bypass on his heart, but he agreed to have an Endarterectomy, (carotid artery surgery). He was overwhelmed, I believe with all the bad news about his health, and the thought of them cracking his chest open and stopping his heart was more then he could handle. He only agreed to the carotid surgery, because he didn't want to have a stroke and be a burden to me or himself. Well, anyone who reads this blog knows how that turned out, he had a couple strokes because of the surgery anyway, but thanks to his stubborness and the Lord, he is doing well now !
Well, here we are now, 1 1/2 years later and guess what??
Clark is facing the decision again. Clark, actually brought it up first, that he thought he was ready for surgery. But, in reality I don't think he is. After, his strokes, no doctor wanted to touch him when it came to heart surgery. I am guessing, that made stubborn Clark decide he was ready to have it done. Well, low and behold, the doctor said it had been long enough since the stroke, that she/he agreed it is time. Whoa now, Whoa now...... Clark suddenly is back paddling, quickly. I could go on and on with the emotions I am feeling and I could go on and on about the emotions "I think" Clark is feeling, but right now I just ask, and I am not sure who I am asking, should he or shouldn't he? I think he should, but I am more fearful of the outcome then I would have been before. You might not believe this, but if I could, I would have the surgery for him.....
I take that phrase back, I know who I am asking, should he or shouldn't he...God is who I am asking, but since we have free will, it still is up to Clark...

What Version are YOU?

I had been working on the computer and Clark was curious to see what I was doing.
He was a whiz on the computer, graphics and all kinds of things I don't have a clue about. He lost a lot of that after the strokes, but he is working to retrieve what he can. Anyway, Clark went and took a long nap, while I did my daily things. It was time to wake him up for his pills and to just make sure he was still breathing. You know where you get up real close and watch for the chest to rise??? Whew, he is still breathing, I don't have to jump on him and start CPR. Thank GOD! Well, I woke him up and he opened his sleepy eyes, slowly, and looked at me and said, "What version are you?" I said, "What?" "What version are you?" "Clark I don't know what you mean?" Now a little louder, with some frustration coming out as he starts to fully wake up, "WHAT VERSION ARE YOU?" "Well, the PC is Windows XP, is that what you mean?" "NO, WHAT VERSION ARE YOU"? This went on for about 3 minutes or so, and then he finally pointed at me....
"WHAT VERSION ARE YOU?" OH.... "I am ANN, Is that what you mean?" "YES, what version are you? You are Ann, RIGHT?" "Yes, honey I am Ann." Kisses, and hugs, we crossed another language hurdle, and came out successful.....

Graham Crackers

Clark had to have a "Peg" inserted during his stay in ICU, I believe I mentioned this in an earlier post. I added a link on my side bar for Tube Feeding, if you have an interest for more detail. That was one of those hard decisions for me, I understood what they were telling me, that it would be easier on Clark, rather then having the nose feeding tube. But, it felt like I was admitting to myself and to Clark that he might not being coming back so quick. I signed their form though and the next day they made me leave the room, so they could insert it. I wanted to stay and see what they do, but they encouraged me rather strongly to wait in the family room. Clark ended up having that tube for about 1 1/2 months. Which, really isn't to bad compared to most people, with a medical problem. I felt bad for him, after he came around and he would want to try solid food, but couldn't, everything was poured into his Peg.
The day finally came though for Clark to have his swallow test, they let me come along and watch. It was amazing to see Clark's bones in his skull. Not to many wives can say they know their husbands inside and out, and mean it literally. Anyway, they started with thicker foods first, and worked progressively down to liquids. I could actually see the food enter his mouth, chewing and then swallowing.
Well, after 26 days of no food by mouth, Clark was allowed FOOD. He passed the SWALLOW TEST. We went back to his room and they gave him a Graham cracker and I will never forget the smile of pure joy on his face. The cooing coming from his throat, it tasted soooo good ! I broke down in tears of JOY that he could finally eat something by mouth. The Peg had to stay in though for 6 weeks after insertion. Something, to do with the healing? I never understood the reasoning behind this fully. Maybe, someone can enlighten me, if they read this and know the answer.
Remember the next time you eat a graham cracker, slow down and really taste it and feel it, like you haven't eaten in months..... Oh, thank God for taste buds!

Apraxia

Apraxia: is a motor disorder in which volitional or voluntary movement is impaired without muscle weakness. The ability to select and sequence movements is impaired.
Oral apraxia affects one ability to move the muscles of the mouth for non-speech purposes, for example. Apraxic speakers "grope" for the correct word; they may make several attempts at a word before they get it right. It not only affects language, which is my next story.

Clark is home in this story, and I have to go back to work. I have used up all my short term disability and Clark seems to be capable enough to stay alone. I have asked our friend who lives down the road to check on him when he can.
I had only mentioned to the therapist in passing, that Clark couldn't work the remote to the TV without my help, or go to the bathroom without my help, etc. I thought Clark's memory was impaired and he couldn't remember how to do these things. But, it actually was apraxia, which Dave the therapist discovered when he saw Clark try to fix his own cup of coffee. They were actually excited about working with him on this, because they had only encountered one other person with this problem and they were not as bad as Clark. For example, when he had to go to the bathroom, he sometimes would be fine, but other times he would come to me and gesture at his penis, since he had trouble getting the words out, that he needed me to show him "how" to go. I would take him to the toilet, explain and show him how to accomplish this feat, where as he would nod quickly that he got it. One story that really stands out in my memory is this one: The occupational therapist decided that when Clark had to fix himself a meal, it should always be the same thing, so he could get the sequence down in the brain. Repetition you know? Well, Clark liked raisin bran and that was safe, since he didn't have to use the stove or microwave. I set out the cereal, a bowl and a spoon, side by side. I had Clark come to the kitchen, where I explained and showed him how to prepare his lunch. Pour the cereal in the bowl, open the refrigerator, get the milk out, take the lid off and pour it on the cereal. Put the lid back on the milk and place it back in the refrigerator. He agreed he could do this, so I loaded up and went off to work. Tick, tock, tick tock.....the day is over, and I walk in the door after work. I see the cereal box and the milk sitting out, but no bowl. I open up the refrigerator to put the milk away and my eyes open a little wider, while I try to wrap them around what I am seeing. There is the bowl on the shelf with milk in it. He wasn't able to sequence the correct order to get his cereal ready !! I put the milk away and start to go see Clark, when I see a Cup of Soup (you know the kind you peel the lid away and add water and heat it in the microwave). I walk over to the table and there it is, upside down with little dents in the bottom, next to it is a pair of pliers. OH MY.....poor Clark, he tried to get his cereal and that didn't work, so he decided on trying the cup of soup. He couldn't figure out how to open it, so pliers seemed like the answer. I rushed out to the living room where he is wrapped up to his chin in a blanket, watching TV. I say "Oh Clark you must really be hunger, huh?" He shook his head, yes. I felt so bad. But, I admired his ingenuity and his effort to try. The next day needless to say, I called for help from the County, Meals on Wheels to the rescue. This worked out great, not only did they bring him lunch everyday, but there was someone checking on him around noon everyday. The sequencing is really the strangest condition of Clark's stroke. I can't put it in words really. It amazes me how the brain works, how it can be damaged and yet it can find new paths to accomplish what it needs to. Clark's apraxia was horrible don't get me wrong, but it also made us laugh and brought us very close.
What more could you ask for.....

Sex and Shrimp

Clark is home in this story and we have quickly discovered he has lost his sense of taste, or more that it has changed drastically. He goes through phases, he sometimes eats only tomato soup or eggs and for a while only grapes. I try to fix all of his favorites but as soon as he gets it in his mouth, he grimaces and looking like a little kid, he spits it out. I usually have to put my hand out to catch it, or it lands in his lap or the floor or where ever.
So, I decide okay I will fix him some shrimp, he always loved shrimp.
I decide to tell him in the morning my great idea for dinner. "Clark, we are going to have shrimp tonight, okay?" He mumbles okay and that is that. The day continues on and Clark takes his usual long nap. Sleeping a lot is expected after a stroke, and this holds true for him, he can sleep about 16 hours a day. Anyway, he awakes from his nap and comes out to couch and ask me.."So do you want sex tonight?" I am very suprised by this question, since Clark has totally lost interest in sex since his stroke, much to my dismay. I look at him and say "well, yes I would like that, do you want to?" He says "No not really". So I continue on, reassuring him that is okay. I miss sex, but I can wait until he is better and even if he never wants to again, I will understand and we will make do. The conversation goes on for about a half hour back and forth, when Clark in total frustration says "I thought you wanted to have sex tonight? Now you don't?!" You said you wanted sex, as he holds out his index finger and it is curled like the shape of a ...shrimp? OH MY GOD, it hits me like a bolt of lightning.... "Clark, you aren't talking about sex are you? You are talking about shrimp for dinner tonight !!??" Clark looks at me like I am a total nut and says "Yes, sex for dinner?" I can't help but crack up laughing about this conversation. Clark was speaking Strokanese and I thought he was speaking English. Like I said in an earlier post, I need to create a Srokanese dictionary and Sex means shrimp in Strokanese. This is one of the many stories I will never forget, although I do forget all the words exactly, I think you can still get the idea. Oh my, oh my what are we to do? Love and laugh and enjoy each other to the very end.....

Happy New Year

I can't believe a month has almost passed since my last post. I have a draft on Clark's new language, but I guess I needed a break from the past. It was time to live in the present. Which, means this blogging has probably helped me get past the last year or so. I wish all of you a happy new year....I will continue with Clark's and my story, but it will probably be in a different format. More short stories or times I remember that were sad, happy and so on. I also want to just blog about anything.
Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR !!

Clark's new Language

Clark has aphasia bad enough that you can't hold a conversation with him. It isn't that his speech is slurred or anything, it is the words come out wrong. He also gets things reversed. For example, if I give him a picture of his sister and ask him who is this? He will say my brother, if I give him a picture of his brother, then that is his sister. So, son is daughter, daughter is son. Right is left and left is right. She is he and he is she. I am sure you get the idea. Clark didn't even realize it would come out wrong. If I told him no, that is your brother, he would say "yeh my sister". The therapist tell me that with aphasia a lot of time the people think the word comes out correctly, even when it doesn't. This can present some interesting challenges when trying to communicate. It took me a while to learn to decipher this new language. Clark even now, 1 year and 4 months later is still working on improving. I am happy to say he has come so far. He is a walking miracle as you will see as my story goes on.....

Bennington Glen

I have chosen a nursing / rehabilitation home for Clark close to our home. It is very nice and has a new rehabilitation program. The transport people come and load Clark up, I must of had a lost look, since one of them looks at me compassionately and assures me that they will take good care of him. The therapist have notified the home that he will be coming and advise them of his condition. All of lines and tubes have been removed except for the food tube into his stomach. He sleeps most of the time, occasionally opening his eyes and listens to what is going on around him. I am waiting at the nursing home when they bring a sleeping Clark. They get him into his room and everything is going okay, so I stay for awhile and then head home to gather up clothes and pictures. The therapist told me to bring pictures of is family and friends. It will help him in his recovery and they can use them in speech therapy.
I arrive early the next day and Clark evidently is ready to begin his rehabilitation, even if no one else is ready! They want him to stay in bed and he wants none of that. So, they put an alarm on his bed, well that didn't last long, Clark was able to turn that off before end of day. He is trying get up and walk around, but his right leg is very weak and is right arm and hand are totally unmoving. In ICU they gave me a strap that I would put around Clark's chest to help stabilize him when he relearns to walk, little did I know how quickly I would learn how to use that, because rehabilitation was about to begin. The amazing Clark is returning with a shout and a lot of stutters.....

Beautiful Brown Eyes

Jamie the nurse is so excited. She is saying "Clark opened his eyes!! He opened his eyes!!" She was working with him, when she turned and looked at his face. He was just laying there staring at her. She leaned over and started talking to him, he reached up his hand to her chin and pulled her face down real close to his face and just looked at her. Jamie said she burst into tears. He then closed his eyes and went back to sleep.
All of the nurses are talking about it and of course I am reduced to tears.
Clark seemed to only respond to Jamie and myself from then on. He would squeeze our hands if we asked. Not everytime, but enough that my hope was growing. He would open his eyes just a little, for a small amount of time.
Clark would not respond to the doctors, it was if he was being stubborn or something. They would come in by theirselves or with a group of students, and would pinch him and do a sternum rub, etc., but Clark would not move a inch. Jamie said she thinks the doctors think we are making it up.
One day I was standing and talking to him, when he took my hand and raised it to his lips and kissed it 3 times. I can't describe to you how that moment was. Tears of joy were not lacking.
Clark tries to talk but the words are garbled so you cannot understand him at all. This makes my heart pound a little faster. The doctor has told me his Aphasia might be worse, and now we are finding out it is. So, I ask the question "Will his talking get better?" I already know the answer is, "We can't say, only time will tell". I will ask that question again and again, even though I know they can't tell me. But I can't resist, I keep hoping someone will give me an answer.
Clark's best friend Dick has come to visit and when Clark sees him, tears start streaming down his cheeks, which makes his friend start crying, and of course then me. Clark looks scared, but relaxes and smiles a little when his friend starts reassuring him. Dick tells Clark that he will be moved to Bennington Glen the nursing /rehabilation home by the end of the week. I had told Clark this already, but there was no reaction, this time though he listened very closely. You could see it in his eyes, that he was intently listening and very curious....

**Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.** Psalm 27:14

Wonderful Nurses

For a couple days and nights now, Clark has been very agitated, so they only put male nurses with him. Clark can be a handful for the female nurses, because of his strength. Emil one of the male nurses is exceptionally good to Clark. When he comes in to check on him, he always speaks in a loud, friendly voice and will say "Okay Peanut, how are you doing?" Clark doesn't look like a peanut at all...and Emil commented more then once; "Man, I bet if he heard me call him Peanut, I would be in big trouble". (Which is probably true.) He can't believe the size of Clark's fingers, and is always commenting that they look like sausages, not to mention how strong he is, which is a good thing since it will help him recover. Emil is optimistic, comforting, answers all my questions and even makes me smile. He also realizes Clark has developed thrush, which no one else noticed and begins treating it.
I wrote down all the nurses names so I wouldn't forget them: Emil, Janet, Katie, Kim, Emily, Paul, Stephanie, Judy, Kevin and Jamie. Three of them stand out the most, Judy is one of the three, but she stands out in a negative way. I demand that they not let her care for Clark, because she is inpatient, pessimistic, and doesn't show any real concern for Clark. She is probably burned out or has personal problems, but at this time I don't care what her problems are, I want the best care for Clark. Emil and Jamie are my favorites, Emil I have already mentioned and Jamie I save for last. She is excellent, so I make a request for her to always be Clark's nurse when she is on. I guess they usually won't do this, but this time they agree.
She is wonderful with him, and come to find out Clark thinks so too, he actually seems to respond to her voice.....

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all who read this. A special Thanksgiving to Mia, my new found friend who introduced me to blogging.
And of course, Thank you Lord for the past year and 4 months. You spared Clark, you taught us many things during this time. I can't praise you enough for the hard lessons you taught us, the people you brought into our lifes, the strength you gave us to endure all the obstacles. Thank you Lord, Thank you.

First Night Home

Clark is kept in restraints when I am not in the room, he is becoming agitated and he keeps trying to pull his arterial line and peg tube out. The restraint on his left wrist has rubbed his skin off, so I try to stay with him as much as possible to hold his left hand down when he goes for the tubes. He still hasn't opened his eyes, but he is moving his left side. The oxygen tube tickles his nose, which causes him to reach up to pull it out constantly. So, I have taken up the duty of nose scratching. You wouldn't think such a small thing could be so satisfying, but not only does Clark get relief from an annoying itch, but I feel good that I can do something to help him. My other effort that is equally for both our benefits, is I try to stimulate him by giving him a sponge baths and massages.
One day I was exercising his arm and was talking to him about everything and nothing, when I saw a tear run down his cheek and then another. I leaned over and said "Clark can you hear me, open your eyes, come on honey you can do it". A few more tears ran down his cheek and then stopped. I believe he is trying, he is working very hard to come back. I make sure no one talks negative about his recovery in earshot of Clark.
I believe he hears us and negative talk might scare him, or hurt his recovery.

I decide to come home for a night, I have bills I need to pay and my mother is insistent (in a good, helpful way) that I need to take care of things. I wasn't prepared for my reaction pulling into the driveway. I felt the lump in my throat and the tears pushing towards the surface. I tried hard to fight them back, but as I got out of the car, the rush of emotion was overwhelming. I realized how empty my life would be without Clark, I stood with my forehead on the car, crying and praying to God. It was very hard to go into the house, but of course I did. I completed what I came home for and decided that before getting into bed, I would call ICU to see how Clark was and found out he was very agitated and they couldn't keep him calmed down. So, I rushed back to the hospital. That was a hard night, I wondered what he was feeling, what did he know, was he in pain, was he was afraid and couldn't tell me. I did the only things I could to help him; I pulled up my chair as close as I could to his bed, removed his restraint, took his hand in mine, laid back and talked to him.
Finally, he relaxed and his breathing evened out. I love him so much....


**The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.** Psalm 121:7,8

Coming Back

I can't remember the days exactly, but I scribbled notes each day...

One day at a time Clark is coming back:

New day - Clark squeezes the doctor's hand when asked, temperature 101 degrees. He is taking some breaths on his own, with the ventilator doing the rest. The therapist comes in and instructs me on how to exercise Clark's muscles. His right arm and leg are totally limp. I need to stretch his achilles heel, so the tendons won't shrink. Otherwise, when he recovers he will have a harder time learning to walk again. I like having something to do to help him. I talk to him constantly as I work all his muscles.

New day - Clark doesn't squeeze the doctor's hand on command today, temperature 100.3, alot of "gunk" in his lungs, more seizures in his right arm...up the dilantin.

New day - Clark pulls the ventilator out himself. They were going to remove it tomorrow but Clark had other ideas. (go Clark!)

New day - He is trying to open his eyes but can't. You can see his eye muscles trying to pull the lid open. I decide to give his eyes some help, I put my face into Clark's face, and lift both of his eyelids up to see his brown eyes, and tell him "Clark you can do it, it is Ann, I love you". The doctor tells me the aphasia might be worse, if he even comes out all the way.

New day - another cat scan - carbon dioxide level is a concern. I get up the nerve and choke back the tears, as I ask the nurse practitioner..."Will Clark ever wake up?". She says quite simply "We don't know", I know she said more but I don't remember what. I go back to his room and talk to him, while holding his hand.

New day - They removed his feeding tube that went through his nose, but had me sign a form to put a "Peg in", which is a tube that is surgically inserted through your skin, above the belly button directly into the stomach. Liquid food and medicine is then poured into the stomach through the tube. He stops breathing and the first time scares me... I run out to the nurse "Clark isn't breathing", but by the time we got back to his room he had started to breath again. I think she thought I was imagining things, but they soon found out that he has sleep apnea.

New day - They try to stimulate Clark to consciouness. They yell, pinch him as hard as they can. Clark doesn't respond....

New day - Three therapist come in and they sit him up on the side of the bed. He isn't even conscious, he is totally limp, but they hope the stimulation will help him come around.

New day - He moved his left thumb and one finger!!!! Temperature 100.5.

New day - They start talking to me about moving him to a Nursing Home, he is stable and there is no more they can do. They can give me no ideas how far he will recover, nor how long it will take...

**I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me.** Psalm 120:1

Sixteen Days In ICU

Grand mal seizure: Also known as a tonic-clonic seizure, is a common type of seizure.
A typical grand mal starts with a loss of consciouness and falling down. This is followed by a 15- to 20-second period with muscle rigidity (tonic phase) and then a one- to two-minute period of violent, rhythmic convulsions (clonic phase). Most grand mal seizures last from one to two minutes.

Katie the nurse told me that Clark was up sitting up in a chair watching TV, when they heard something and they went into his room, where they saw him on his knees with is head on the bed, saying wrong, he then went into a Grand mal seizure which lasted 3 minutes. She told me that was long for a Grand mal.
They had been giving Clark a medication called Ativan in increasing amounts trying to stop the seizures, but his seizures started to increase in intensity. He then started to froth at the mouth, which really got to me. I said to them calmly, but in a raised voice..."He is frothing". Katie said "yes I see" and went to call the doctor again.
He was then started on Dilantin a seizure medication. To keep this as short as possible. The seizures lessoned in intensity but continued on the right side of his face and right arm for several days. They increased the Dilantin, added Depakote and when he still didn't stop they put him on Keppra. All anti-seizure medications.
Dr. Lica ordered another catscan and it showed he had another cerebral hemorrhage in a totally separate area. He told me that Clark needed brain surgery, that another clot had formed and was pushing Clark's brain to the right and was causing further damage and could even result in death if not removed. So, Thursday Dr. Lica removed a blood clot from Clark's brain, which the doctor told me was a size of a lemon.
Clark was in a coma and on life support for about a week, if I remember correctly. Those were very long days and nights. I met many families with loved ones during that time. I will never forget them, we helped each other with talk, tears and silence....


**Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.** Psalm 136:1

4 days

It has been 4 days since I ran over Muffin in the driveway. She keeps coming into my mind at work, the sight of her suffering. When I get home I visualize her coming to see me, feeding her, hugging her, her dorky personality, when I get in bed I look where she used to be and she isn't. There is nothing I can do, to undo what I did. I know time will soften this, but right now, I just want Muffin back. I am sorry this is depressing...but I loved Muffin, she was so special and such a dork.

My Dog

I arrived home last night after work, it was dark and I saw my dog running down the drive, she was starting to come out to road where I was by the mailbox. I told her to get back and she did. I pulled in the driveway and I don't know, I don't know how it happened, but I felt a bump and yelps. Oh my god, I killed her. I told her how sorry I was and ran screaming for Clark ... Words cannot describe how I feel.
I miss her so much, how could that have happened?

Stroke Three

I arrive at the hospital, Tower 6 - ICU for Head Trauma. I run to the front doors, which are locked, so I search for a way in and spot the intercom for security, "My husband is in ICU and is having seizures, I need to get up there". I arrive on the 6th floor which is very quiet, all the families I have met with loved ones in ICU are sleeping in the family waiting room. I push through the ICU doors and rush into Clark's room, where I see 3 nurses trying to hold him down in his bed. He is having seizures and is very agitated. They have removed his gown, so he is unclothed and they are trying to keep him laying down, but he gets on his knees and starts to urinate. One nurse yells as she tries to push him back down, he is incontinent now, get the doctor back on the phone, the Ativan isn't working. Clark is saying, "Wrong, Wrong, My God, My God", he keeps repeating it over and over. I don't know how to describe to you, that those words caused me physical pain. I will never, never forget the anguish in his voice, as he continued to have seizures.
I joined them in trying to push him back down, talking to him at the same time, "Clark I am here, it is Ann - lay back down", but he is seizing and doesn't seem aware of anyone around him. We finally get him back down, but he is still having seizures. Katie the nurse tells me what has happened...

ICU and Recovery ??

Clark is started on a drug to reduce swelling in the brain. Dr. Lica the neurosurgeon comes into the room. He has just moved here from Texas and has been at this hospital for a week. He turns out to be a great doctor...
Clark is moved to ICU and the waiting begins. Dr. Lica tell us that he bled about 3 tablespoons into the left temporal lobe. He wants to monitor Clark, because he is borderline for surgery. He hopes that he will stabilize and it won't be necessary, usually with a cerebral hemorrhage it will stabilize in about 6 hours. They will take another catscan and wait an see. I spend Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night at the hospital in the family waiting room and the days with Clark. The only major side affect Clark seems to have is Aphasia. I am very concerned how will I communicate with Clark, he thinks the words come out correctly, but they don't. They make no sense. A door is a clock, time is a dog, freeway is Dracula. Monday, Dr. Lica gives us the good news that Clark should fully recover and doesn't even need therapy! Just give it time, the bleeding that occurred should dissipate and the aphasia should go away. Clark is sitting up,watching TV, and giving the nurses a hard time. The nurses feel he should be released, but Dr. Lica says I want you to stay in ICU until Thursday. If everything is okay then, we will release you. I talk to Clark and since the doctor feels he will totally recover, we decide that I should go to work on Tuesday and I will spend the night at my mothers. She is located much closer to hospital then Clark and I. So, on Tuesday after work I go and visit Clark, he is being his usual "bad patient", he keeps removing his monitors and Jude the nurse gets very upset with him, which in turn Clark gets very upset with her. I am afraid Clark will jump up and leave. (he has done that several times in hospital settings and I know that very well). Anyway, everything calms down, so I go to my mothers for the night. My mother and I talk, while I have a glass of wine and I voice my concern on Clark's aphasia and we talk about my step-father and step-sister, who also had strokes this year. 9PM roles around, so I take my anti-depressant that helps me sleep.... I am sleeping....11:45PM, the phone rings??? I immediately wake up and hear my mother talking on the phone, "I will get her right away". Oh no, what is wrong? I take the phone and an ICU nurse named Katie says, "your husband is having seizures, we can't get them to stop". I ask "Is it okay if I come down?" She says "yes, of course you can. I am in a panic ... What has gone wrong...? The night turns out to be very long.....

Four Hours Ago

A nurse came in asking more questions, while I helped Clark undress. She started applying the wires from all the different machines and quickly started an IV, all the while asking more questions. Dr. Eu a neurologist came in and he to started asking me endless questions, but while on the move. They were rushing Clark for a catscan.
While Clark was in being scanned, one of the questions Dr. Eu asked was "How long ago did the symptoms start?" Well, it was 3:00 now...so "four hours ago". He told me it was too late then for the clot busting drug, it has to be administered with 3 hours.
An overwhelming guilt rushed over me, while I held back the tears. The doctor then went in to view the catscan results while I waited in a chair. As I sat there, I was saying in my mind over and over...Please God, Please God.
Dr. Eu rushed out of the room, motioning to me to fall in beside him. He was walking and talking very fast. "Clark isn't having a stroke from a clot, it is from a cerebral hemorrhage, which I can't help him with. He needs a neurosurgeon. The clot buster would not have helped him, it actually would have made it worse. Unfortunately, the survival rate for a cerebral hemorrhage is not as good as a ischemic stroke." He said Clark might need surgery. I think at that point I went kind of numb. I knew I wasn't absorbing everything they were telling me, but right then I also made a clear decision with myself..I had to focus, no more emotions from here on out. I must hear everthing they are telling me, I am the only one for Clark and I can't let him down....

Lighter Side??

I have a draft started to continue my therapy about Clark.. but I feel like I want to just blog, blog about nothing or blog about something.... I am 51, probably much older then the bloggers I have read. The blogs that disturb me are the suicide blogs, or the worry of suicide. I tried to commit suicide when I was 19, I had given birth and given up my child for adoption. I wrote your typical suicide letter, put on my nightgown, swallowed several Seconal and layed down to die. Well, I don't remember this but evidently I really didn't want to die. I had gotten up and went next door to a friend of mine for help. They were not there...but even though I wasn't saved at the time, the Lord decided to help me out. My friend, who I went to get help from, was with her husband and was planning on spending the night with their relatives. The miracle occurs here, she felt such a strong urge to go home, she convinced her husband to do so. Well, when she got back to her apartment, she saw that my cats were out, so she walked down the hall and saw my door ajar. Of course, by that time I was gone. They couldn't wake me no matter what they did. They called 911 ..... I have a very brief memory of puking over and over (how nice)...I remember someone saying did you drink Bleach? (I had some bleach in the bathroom, where I had cleaned something). My response was "NO, what do you think I am crazy?" To this day that makes me chuckle, I just tried to kill myself, so that was a very logical question for them to ask, but to me I was horrified, DRINK BLEACH?????? I ended up in ICU, a breathing tube, and the Lord taking care of me. I fully recovered, and though there are times I get a glimpse of suicide, I learned a lesson from that experience.. that no matter what happens, it will get better... I want to let you know that if you even think of suicide, please..please... wait... it will, I promise.. it will get better.....You will have many, many happy moments

I had to change my title from Lighter Side ...to Lighter Side??

Emergency Room

Everything is happening fast now. Clark is in good spirits and doesn't seem concerned. He tries to answer their questions, but the wrong words are coming out.

Call 911

I beg Clark, "Let me call 911 and yelling at him, you are having a stroke".
Clark is now talking nonsense, words are coming out that have no bearing on what is happening, nor the circumstances. But, he is able to yell "NO" to 911. He starts to get up from the couch to leave, I tell him Clark your lip is drooping, your eye is drooping, you are slurring and talking nonsense, please let me call 911. But again he rises to leave. So, I stop trying to convince him about 911 and go to "Okay, not 911 but please the hospital, let me take you to Riverside". Again, he says no. I sat down and started to cry, he then got irritated and on the verge of out right mad. I yelled in my head to myself, don't do this, pull it together. I went into our bedroom and put my face in my hands and prayed to God, help me, tell me what to do ! I went back to Clark and kneeled in from of him and calmly said "Clark you know how much I love you. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, you have got to trust me, you are having a stroke. Please trust me, just listen to me and let me take you to Riverside. It took several times of repeating this, when he finally said yes. I could take him to Riverside, but only Riverside. I told him Thank you....

Note: Do not listen to the person having the stroke. Call 911, they don't know what they are saying, and they need you to take control. Do not do as I did. Remember this also, after it is all said and done, they won't remember any of it anyway. Clark doesn't. So be strong ...call 911.

Prayers

I am starting to pray in my head, quick short prayers, calling to God to help Clark and to tell me what to do.
We are in our driveway, he his getting worse and worse, I am shaking so badly.
I tell Clark, I am taking you to Riverside Hospital, but he says "NO", gets out of the car,goes into the house and sits down on the couch.

Ouch...I tried to publish my longest therapy session and lost it.
It said something like this:

I interrupt this blog due to "Internal Server Error" .... and wiped it all out. All that is left is what you see above.

Maybe someone is trying to tell me something. My computer crashes and wipes out my journal, now my blog crashes. LOL

I will try again later, I am insistent that I record this experience. I actually just want to get it recorded and be done with it. Why I don't know, I just do.

So to myself....until next time, I will continue.

6 Days Later

I came home from work, 6 days later, on a Thursday. Clark talked about a sudden headache he had earlier in the day. It was very localized on the left side. He showed me with his fingers, right behind the left temple. But he said it was gone and he felt okay. As before with the 1st stroke we went into a denial. Mistake #1. We decided it was probably from the surgery but nothing really serious and it would not happen again. But, when I came home Friday night, he was having that same severe headache. I asked him if he wanted to go to the emergency room, but he didn't. (sound familiar..)
So, I called the doctor who did the surgery on his artery. It was after office hours, so I had to leave a voicemail for someone to call us back. A different doctor called back and I started to explain what Clark was feeling, when I decided I should give the phone to Clark, so he could explain where and how severe the pain was. That was Mistake #2. Clark spoke to the doctor for a very short time and hung up. I asked Clark "what did the doctor say?", but all Clark would tell me was, "the doctor doesn't know what he his talking about". I didn't push the issue, not wanting to upset him anymore. The pain thankfully subsided again. We again figured or hoped it wouldn't come back. But, the next day on Saturday around 11:00 AM, I was standing on the deck looking at the fields and enjoying the sun on my face. Clark came up behind me and circled his arms around my waist. We snuggled into each other, when suddenly Clark grabbed his left temple in severe pain. He went to the bedroom and kneeled by the bed with his face into the bedcover and his hands on his head. I knew then something was terribly wrong. I didn't really know he was already being affected mentally. But, this time I didn't ask, I told him that he had to go to the emergency room. Clark agreed that he should go, but when he was putting on his shoes very slowly, he started to smile at me, like I was over reacting. My heart started to pound harder, and my mind was racing. Well, we went to a local emergency room, about 20 minutes from us, but not an emergency room that Clark ever thought much of. Clark sat down and I told the person at the registration desk I thought Clark was having a stroke. That was the only logical thing I could think of at this point. (Wow, I actually started to wake up!) Unfortunately, no one came out immediately to help, giving proof for Clark's dislike of the place, and also giving him reason to get up and leave. When I caught up with him in the parking lot, I grabbed his arm and begged him to go back in, but he wouldn't. We started driving and I asked him to let me take him to another hospital, but he refused and said to take him home. As I drove, he turned to look at me and the horror I felt was undescribeable. I first saw that his right lip was drooping and Oh my God, his right eye. I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest, I knew right at that point, I had to keep it together. I could not, I would not fall apart. Clark needed me the most he ever did in our life's together. I said, "Clark you are having a stroke, you have got to let me take you back to the hospital. He adamantly refused and insisted I take hime home, and now his words were starting slur. Mistake # 3....I took him home. I loss of valuable time....

July 25th Comes and Go's

Clark began cleaning up around our home immediately. We live on a "farm" you might say.
Clark built our home and barn from the ground up, by the way. He is amazing to me, he could read anything and then do it. I would not be suprised if he qualified as a genius. He also was a "hoarder" you might say. He found value in everything, he could see what it could become or what he could do with. Because of this, we had a lot of "stuff" all over the place. After his diagnosis though, he started working almost feverishly organizing and trying to clean up. He told me one day, he didn't want to leave me with a mess to clean up.
July 25th arrived, Clark wasn't very nervous, which suprised me, but thankful since he couldn't take valium this time. He went into the operating room and 3 hours later the doctor came out to talk to me. He said "Everything went fine, I reduced his chance of having another stroke by 90%". What a relief ! He only spent one night in the hospital and then can home. He seemed fine almost immediately, was up and about like nothing happened. We started discussing options for his heart; Clark wanted to talk to the doctor in hopes that he would re-think doing stents. I thought this was very unlikely, since the doctor previously said to him "yes I could put stents in, but you'll be coming back again and again to have it redone. But, if you want to put my kids trhough college, I'll do it". That sounds harsh doesn't it? But truth often does. We never got to a decision though, because 6 days after his surgery the headaches began. Well, I will continue on later, the next blog might be lengthy, so a break is in order....

Valium QUICK !!

Angiogram: An examination of your blood vessels using x-rays. There are 3 major steps;
1) insertion of a catheter into your body, 2) taking x-ray pictures while contrast (x-ray dye) is being injected into a vessel, and 3) removal of the catheter.
Atherosclerosis: Comes from the Greek words athero (meaning gruel or paste) and sclerosis (hardness). The process in which deposits of fatty substances, cholesterol, cellular waste products, calcium and other substances build up in the inner lining of an artery. This buildup is called plaque.
Carotid Artery Endarectomy: A surgical procedure to manually remove fat and cholesterol build-up from inside the carotid artery and restore adequate blood flow to the brain.

It took two attempts for Clark to get his angiogram done. Clark developed "Anxiety attacks" a few years back, when he was having a MRI for his back. They only occur when he is having an MRI or is very stressed. I warned the first Cardiologist we saw, that Clark would need a sedative before the angiogram, but this doctor didn't listen.
The day arrived for the angiogram and we actually made it clear to the registration desk, but that was about it. You could see the agitation Clark was feeling and unfortunately, the registration "Lady" was not very patient oriented. I had went up first and tried to tell her he needed to go in right away and not to make him wait. That I would complete any paperwork etc. But, she wasn't having any of that... She needed Clark to come up and complete the information. Well, Clark came up and was trying to joke, but was making it clear, that his anxiety level was about to explode.
Here is the end of the short conversation:
Registration Lady: "Sir, you will just need to learn patience".
Clark: "Patience, PATIENCE, I will show you PATIENCE, I am out of HERE.
And gone....I see Clark's back as he runs out of the room.
I drove around the hospital, up and down the different roads, in all directions, for at least 2 hours looking for Clark. Tears breaking through at times. I was so worried for Clark. I finally decided to head home, and there he was, walking down the road. Well, after words of assurance that we would go home and forget the procedure, he got in the car. I promptly broke into tears of release. We kissed and went home. Oh yes, Do you know where Clark had been for 2 hours?? Bob Evan's having coffee... What can I say? What a relief but can I wring your neck first?

We found a new cardiologist, who listened...
Clark got the angiogram done, after taking Valium everyday for 5 days prior to the procedure, and 4 right before we left for the hospital.
The doctor's recommendation....to our shock was, a triple bypass and an Endarectomy on the left side. Oh, you also have a blockage in your left femoral artery of the leg. Come to find out, Clark has Atherosclerosis through out his body. My reaction was okay, now we know, let's fix it. Do the surgeries and fix him!! But Clark had other ideas;
Clark absolutely refused to have the triple bypass done. But agreed to the endarectomy. The doctors told him that without doing both, there would be a chance that he could have a heart attack during the operation. But, at least he would be in the hospital if it happened, so they could react quickly. (Oh GREAT) The doctor's did agree to do just the left carotid artery, saying "We can fix your heart but not your brain". Meaning, the chances of another stroke within a year was very high if they didn't get the artery cleared. The last thing either one of us wanted, was for another stroke to happen. Clark was very concerned about being a burden to me if that would occur. So, we scheduled his Endarectomy for July 25th, 2003.
In a sense, it was a relief to know what was wrong and we had a plan in place to fix things. Fix, the carotid and then we would discuss the heart later.
Anyway, Valium saved the day. Clark was very relaxed.... He was quite funny...
Thank God, that part was over....

Back Pain Please

Clark was having reccuring back pain from an automobile accident years ago, which he had surgery to correct. We went to the neurologist to get things checked out. The additional symptoms we gave the doctor besides the pain he was having in his back, was numbness on the inside of the lower right foot and calf. Tingling in the right hand, and others I can't remember, but they were enough to make the doctor suspicious. Clark was given a nerve test for his back, but was also given a carotid artery doppler and a catscan.
I walked in the door one day from work, to a yell from Clark, "Ann get on the phone".
He was talking to the neurologist, who was giving us some eye opening news.
"Clark, your left carotid artery is 90% blocked, your right is 60% blocked. You already have had a small stroke. The symptoms you are experiencing are from that stroke.
Whoa.....There went that ignorant bliss. Light bulbs started blinking on... back in February....
Ann: "Clark remember back in February when your vision went?"
Clark: "YES I remember"
Ann and Clark almost at the same time: "No wonder your handwriting is a mess"
Ann: "How could we be so blind!"
Clark: "I did suspect it, I just didn't want to talk about it".
See Clark used to be a paramedic, so he knew all the symptoms he experienced, pointed to a stroke. But, he didn't want to admit it. And me, well how in denial could I have been. I should have known, I should have done something sooner, because come to find out, Clark was in a fog, he didn't remember hardly anything after February 2003. I should have taken control of the situation, but it was so nice to just snuggle into "Mr. Denial and Ignorant Bliss".

Anyway, Goodbye Mr. Neurologist for now and Hello to Mr. Cardiologist.....
Oh, by the way......Back Pain? What Back Pain?

Heed the Warnings

Signs of a Stroke:
Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body.
Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding.
Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes.
Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination.
Sudden severe headache with no known cause.

If you or anyone you know, experiences any of these symptoms, call 911. I mean it !!
Heed the warnings....

Clark was watching TV one day, February 2003. He called to me that he couldn't see out of his left eye. I went to him and tried to figure out what to do and how serious it was. He previously had been having "migraines" with the aura of bright lights, but no headache. Or at least that is what one doctor diagnosed, who we no longer see.
Anyway, this is a little of the dialog we had:

Ann: Do you want to go to the emergency room?
Clark: I don't know
Ann: Is it going away? Are you in pain?
Clark: NO !
Ann: What do you want to do? Do you want to go to the emergency room?
Clark: I DON'T KNOW !
Ann: Oh forget it. You let me know if you need me. I will be in the bedroom.

Well,I got mad and figured it couldn't be all that serious and he was just over reacting. His vision returned after about an hour. We basically just forgot about it.
After that episode, his handwriting changed, it wasn't the nice handwriting he had before, it was shaky and almost unreadable at times. He talked of numbness in his right hand and right leg. He complained a lot that he couldn't focus on anything. HOW in denial could two people be. Denial how amazingly strong it is. Well, time passed on for about 4 months, with us in ignorant bliss...

Finally

How frustrating, I just started blogging and have only done two post. I went to post yesterday and I couldn't login. No matter what I did. It wouldn't recognize my password. I think I created 3 new ones. I deleted cookies, I checked my security settings, etc. etc. So, "help" said to try a new browser, Mozilla Firefox. So, I downloaded that and started trying my new and different passwords. Well, here I am under my original one. I found it interesting how hooked I am already. I was really bummed. Well, I am going to log out again and try my luck. If I succeed I will continue with my therapy.....

Strokanese

I have decided that during my blogging experience, I wil refer to my husband as Clark and myself as Ann.
Aphasia: a language disorder that results from damage to portions of the brain that are responsible for language. Usually, the left side is affected. The disorder impairs both the expression and understanding of language as well as reading and writing. It is caused by a head injury, brain tumor, stroke....
Clark had his 2nd stroke Aug. 2, 2003, this one was a cerebral hemmorrhage. He bled about 3 tablespoons of blood into his brain. I will go into more detail about that later, but for this blog I want you to know where Strokanese came from. One of Clark's afflictions from the 2nd stroke was Aphasia. Physically, he wasn't affected hardly at all, just speech. Certain words would come out different. My sister had come to visit him and she mentioned her concern of getting lost coming to the hospital. Clark has a very good sense of direction and knows the area well, so he decided to help her out and explain how to get back. If you can imagine, place the word "Dracula" in place of "Freeway" and go with it. Everytime he referred to the freeway, Dracula came out. I actually was not there at the time, but my sister told me about it. I am still amazed she figured that out so quickly, but then my sister "V" is very sensitive to people.
You know what, this isn't working for me. I will tell you that "Strokanese" came from me, when Clark had trouble speaking, it became a healthy "joke" to his problem. When ever I couldn't understand what he was trying to say, I would say "Oh my he is speaking in Strokanese". I told him we were going to publish a new Dictionary for Stroke victims. It would convert the language Strokanese into English.
I realize in trying to tell this, that I must end here for this blog, and start a new one. I need to start at the beginning.....

Let's Get Started

This is my first blog. I was introduced to blogging by DeathMaiden, a seasoned blogger.
I first want to apologize for any punctuation errors or spelling. School is a long time behind me.
I started a personal journal last year after my husband had his 3rd stroke. I was writing it like a autobiography, thinking that maybe in the future it would help someone else who had a loved one who had a stroke. But then my computer crashed (it had a stroke also, I guess you could say). So, I lost most of what I had done, luckily I printed some of it out. That crash stopped my journal day's until now. I imagine most of what I say, won't be of much interest to most. So, I have decided to put that a side and just blog for myself.
I am a born again christian to start. I said a lot of prayers in 2003 for my husband, and God did answer my prayers, beyond what I would dare to let myself hope. We have many times in our life's, when things change. I know, I can look back in my life to certain times and events that changed me forever. For example, when I was 9, it was announced my father had cancer, when I was 14 and he died. When I was 19 and I gave birth to my only child,who I gave up for adoption. When I was 28 and I met my second husband. But,the event that was the most changing, was when I was 50 and my husband had his 3rd stroke. My view of life changed totally, and thanks to the Lord, most of it is good.........