Jamie the nurse is so excited. She is saying "Clark opened his eyes!! He opened his eyes!!" She was working with him, when she turned and looked at his face. He was just laying there staring at her. She leaned over and started talking to him, he reached up his hand to her chin and pulled her face down real close to his face and just looked at her. Jamie said she burst into tears. He then closed his eyes and went back to sleep.
All of the nurses are talking about it and of course I am reduced to tears.
Clark seemed to only respond to Jamie and myself from then on. He would squeeze our hands if we asked. Not everytime, but enough that my hope was growing. He would open his eyes just a little, for a small amount of time.
Clark would not respond to the doctors, it was if he was being stubborn or something. They would come in by theirselves or with a group of students, and would pinch him and do a sternum rub, etc., but Clark would not move a inch. Jamie said she thinks the doctors think we are making it up.
One day I was standing and talking to him, when he took my hand and raised it to his lips and kissed it 3 times. I can't describe to you how that moment was. Tears of joy were not lacking.
Clark tries to talk but the words are garbled so you cannot understand him at all. This makes my heart pound a little faster. The doctor has told me his Aphasia might be worse, and now we are finding out it is. So, I ask the question "Will his talking get better?" I already know the answer is, "We can't say, only time will tell". I will ask that question again and again, even though I know they can't tell me. But I can't resist, I keep hoping someone will give me an answer.
Clark's best friend Dick has come to visit and when Clark sees him, tears start streaming down his cheeks, which makes his friend start crying, and of course then me. Clark looks scared, but relaxes and smiles a little when his friend starts reassuring him. Dick tells Clark that he will be moved to Bennington Glen the nursing /rehabilation home by the end of the week. I had told Clark this already, but there was no reaction, this time though he listened very closely. You could see it in his eyes, that he was intently listening and very curious....
**Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.** Psalm 27:14
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Friday, November 26, 2004
Wonderful Nurses
For a couple days and nights now, Clark has been very agitated, so they only put male nurses with him. Clark can be a handful for the female nurses, because of his strength. Emil one of the male nurses is exceptionally good to Clark. When he comes in to check on him, he always speaks in a loud, friendly voice and will say "Okay Peanut, how are you doing?" Clark doesn't look like a peanut at all...and Emil commented more then once; "Man, I bet if he heard me call him Peanut, I would be in big trouble". (Which is probably true.) He can't believe the size of Clark's fingers, and is always commenting that they look like sausages, not to mention how strong he is, which is a good thing since it will help him recover. Emil is optimistic, comforting, answers all my questions and even makes me smile. He also realizes Clark has developed thrush, which no one else noticed and begins treating it.
I wrote down all the nurses names so I wouldn't forget them: Emil, Janet, Katie, Kim, Emily, Paul, Stephanie, Judy, Kevin and Jamie. Three of them stand out the most, Judy is one of the three, but she stands out in a negative way. I demand that they not let her care for Clark, because she is inpatient, pessimistic, and doesn't show any real concern for Clark. She is probably burned out or has personal problems, but at this time I don't care what her problems are, I want the best care for Clark. Emil and Jamie are my favorites, Emil I have already mentioned and Jamie I save for last. She is excellent, so I make a request for her to always be Clark's nurse when she is on. I guess they usually won't do this, but this time they agree.
She is wonderful with him, and come to find out Clark thinks so too, he actually seems to respond to her voice.....
I wrote down all the nurses names so I wouldn't forget them: Emil, Janet, Katie, Kim, Emily, Paul, Stephanie, Judy, Kevin and Jamie. Three of them stand out the most, Judy is one of the three, but she stands out in a negative way. I demand that they not let her care for Clark, because she is inpatient, pessimistic, and doesn't show any real concern for Clark. She is probably burned out or has personal problems, but at this time I don't care what her problems are, I want the best care for Clark. Emil and Jamie are my favorites, Emil I have already mentioned and Jamie I save for last. She is excellent, so I make a request for her to always be Clark's nurse when she is on. I guess they usually won't do this, but this time they agree.
She is wonderful with him, and come to find out Clark thinks so too, he actually seems to respond to her voice.....
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving to all who read this. A special Thanksgiving to Mia, my new found friend who introduced me to blogging.
And of course, Thank you Lord for the past year and 4 months. You spared Clark, you taught us many things during this time. I can't praise you enough for the hard lessons you taught us, the people you brought into our lifes, the strength you gave us to endure all the obstacles. Thank you Lord, Thank you.
And of course, Thank you Lord for the past year and 4 months. You spared Clark, you taught us many things during this time. I can't praise you enough for the hard lessons you taught us, the people you brought into our lifes, the strength you gave us to endure all the obstacles. Thank you Lord, Thank you.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
First Night Home
Clark is kept in restraints when I am not in the room, he is becoming agitated and he keeps trying to pull his arterial line and peg tube out. The restraint on his left wrist has rubbed his skin off, so I try to stay with him as much as possible to hold his left hand down when he goes for the tubes. He still hasn't opened his eyes, but he is moving his left side. The oxygen tube tickles his nose, which causes him to reach up to pull it out constantly. So, I have taken up the duty of nose scratching. You wouldn't think such a small thing could be so satisfying, but not only does Clark get relief from an annoying itch, but I feel good that I can do something to help him. My other effort that is equally for both our benefits, is I try to stimulate him by giving him a sponge baths and massages.
One day I was exercising his arm and was talking to him about everything and nothing, when I saw a tear run down his cheek and then another. I leaned over and said "Clark can you hear me, open your eyes, come on honey you can do it". A few more tears ran down his cheek and then stopped. I believe he is trying, he is working very hard to come back. I make sure no one talks negative about his recovery in earshot of Clark.
I believe he hears us and negative talk might scare him, or hurt his recovery.
I decide to come home for a night, I have bills I need to pay and my mother is insistent (in a good, helpful way) that I need to take care of things. I wasn't prepared for my reaction pulling into the driveway. I felt the lump in my throat and the tears pushing towards the surface. I tried hard to fight them back, but as I got out of the car, the rush of emotion was overwhelming. I realized how empty my life would be without Clark, I stood with my forehead on the car, crying and praying to God. It was very hard to go into the house, but of course I did. I completed what I came home for and decided that before getting into bed, I would call ICU to see how Clark was and found out he was very agitated and they couldn't keep him calmed down. So, I rushed back to the hospital. That was a hard night, I wondered what he was feeling, what did he know, was he in pain, was he was afraid and couldn't tell me. I did the only things I could to help him; I pulled up my chair as close as I could to his bed, removed his restraint, took his hand in mine, laid back and talked to him.
Finally, he relaxed and his breathing evened out. I love him so much....
**The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.** Psalm 121:7,8
One day I was exercising his arm and was talking to him about everything and nothing, when I saw a tear run down his cheek and then another. I leaned over and said "Clark can you hear me, open your eyes, come on honey you can do it". A few more tears ran down his cheek and then stopped. I believe he is trying, he is working very hard to come back. I make sure no one talks negative about his recovery in earshot of Clark.
I believe he hears us and negative talk might scare him, or hurt his recovery.
I decide to come home for a night, I have bills I need to pay and my mother is insistent (in a good, helpful way) that I need to take care of things. I wasn't prepared for my reaction pulling into the driveway. I felt the lump in my throat and the tears pushing towards the surface. I tried hard to fight them back, but as I got out of the car, the rush of emotion was overwhelming. I realized how empty my life would be without Clark, I stood with my forehead on the car, crying and praying to God. It was very hard to go into the house, but of course I did. I completed what I came home for and decided that before getting into bed, I would call ICU to see how Clark was and found out he was very agitated and they couldn't keep him calmed down. So, I rushed back to the hospital. That was a hard night, I wondered what he was feeling, what did he know, was he in pain, was he was afraid and couldn't tell me. I did the only things I could to help him; I pulled up my chair as close as I could to his bed, removed his restraint, took his hand in mine, laid back and talked to him.
Finally, he relaxed and his breathing evened out. I love him so much....
**The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.** Psalm 121:7,8
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Coming Back
I can't remember the days exactly, but I scribbled notes each day...
One day at a time Clark is coming back:
New day - Clark squeezes the doctor's hand when asked, temperature 101 degrees. He is taking some breaths on his own, with the ventilator doing the rest. The therapist comes in and instructs me on how to exercise Clark's muscles. His right arm and leg are totally limp. I need to stretch his achilles heel, so the tendons won't shrink. Otherwise, when he recovers he will have a harder time learning to walk again. I like having something to do to help him. I talk to him constantly as I work all his muscles.
New day - Clark doesn't squeeze the doctor's hand on command today, temperature 100.3, alot of "gunk" in his lungs, more seizures in his right arm...up the dilantin.
New day - Clark pulls the ventilator out himself. They were going to remove it tomorrow but Clark had other ideas. (go Clark!)
New day - He is trying to open his eyes but can't. You can see his eye muscles trying to pull the lid open. I decide to give his eyes some help, I put my face into Clark's face, and lift both of his eyelids up to see his brown eyes, and tell him "Clark you can do it, it is Ann, I love you". The doctor tells me the aphasia might be worse, if he even comes out all the way.
New day - another cat scan - carbon dioxide level is a concern. I get up the nerve and choke back the tears, as I ask the nurse practitioner..."Will Clark ever wake up?". She says quite simply "We don't know", I know she said more but I don't remember what. I go back to his room and talk to him, while holding his hand.
New day - They removed his feeding tube that went through his nose, but had me sign a form to put a "Peg in", which is a tube that is surgically inserted through your skin, above the belly button directly into the stomach. Liquid food and medicine is then poured into the stomach through the tube. He stops breathing and the first time scares me... I run out to the nurse "Clark isn't breathing", but by the time we got back to his room he had started to breath again. I think she thought I was imagining things, but they soon found out that he has sleep apnea.
New day - They try to stimulate Clark to consciouness. They yell, pinch him as hard as they can. Clark doesn't respond....
New day - Three therapist come in and they sit him up on the side of the bed. He isn't even conscious, he is totally limp, but they hope the stimulation will help him come around.
New day - He moved his left thumb and one finger!!!! Temperature 100.5.
New day - They start talking to me about moving him to a Nursing Home, he is stable and there is no more they can do. They can give me no ideas how far he will recover, nor how long it will take...
**I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me.** Psalm 120:1
One day at a time Clark is coming back:
New day - Clark squeezes the doctor's hand when asked, temperature 101 degrees. He is taking some breaths on his own, with the ventilator doing the rest. The therapist comes in and instructs me on how to exercise Clark's muscles. His right arm and leg are totally limp. I need to stretch his achilles heel, so the tendons won't shrink. Otherwise, when he recovers he will have a harder time learning to walk again. I like having something to do to help him. I talk to him constantly as I work all his muscles.
New day - Clark doesn't squeeze the doctor's hand on command today, temperature 100.3, alot of "gunk" in his lungs, more seizures in his right arm...up the dilantin.
New day - Clark pulls the ventilator out himself. They were going to remove it tomorrow but Clark had other ideas. (go Clark!)
New day - He is trying to open his eyes but can't. You can see his eye muscles trying to pull the lid open. I decide to give his eyes some help, I put my face into Clark's face, and lift both of his eyelids up to see his brown eyes, and tell him "Clark you can do it, it is Ann, I love you". The doctor tells me the aphasia might be worse, if he even comes out all the way.
New day - another cat scan - carbon dioxide level is a concern. I get up the nerve and choke back the tears, as I ask the nurse practitioner..."Will Clark ever wake up?". She says quite simply "We don't know", I know she said more but I don't remember what. I go back to his room and talk to him, while holding his hand.
New day - They removed his feeding tube that went through his nose, but had me sign a form to put a "Peg in", which is a tube that is surgically inserted through your skin, above the belly button directly into the stomach. Liquid food and medicine is then poured into the stomach through the tube. He stops breathing and the first time scares me... I run out to the nurse "Clark isn't breathing", but by the time we got back to his room he had started to breath again. I think she thought I was imagining things, but they soon found out that he has sleep apnea.
New day - They try to stimulate Clark to consciouness. They yell, pinch him as hard as they can. Clark doesn't respond....
New day - Three therapist come in and they sit him up on the side of the bed. He isn't even conscious, he is totally limp, but they hope the stimulation will help him come around.
New day - He moved his left thumb and one finger!!!! Temperature 100.5.
New day - They start talking to me about moving him to a Nursing Home, he is stable and there is no more they can do. They can give me no ideas how far he will recover, nor how long it will take...
**I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me.** Psalm 120:1
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Sixteen Days In ICU
Grand mal seizure: Also known as a tonic-clonic seizure, is a common type of seizure.
A typical grand mal starts with a loss of consciouness and falling down. This is followed by a 15- to 20-second period with muscle rigidity (tonic phase) and then a one- to two-minute period of violent, rhythmic convulsions (clonic phase). Most grand mal seizures last from one to two minutes.
Katie the nurse told me that Clark was up sitting up in a chair watching TV, when they heard something and they went into his room, where they saw him on his knees with is head on the bed, saying wrong, he then went into a Grand mal seizure which lasted 3 minutes. She told me that was long for a Grand mal.
They had been giving Clark a medication called Ativan in increasing amounts trying to stop the seizures, but his seizures started to increase in intensity. He then started to froth at the mouth, which really got to me. I said to them calmly, but in a raised voice..."He is frothing". Katie said "yes I see" and went to call the doctor again.
He was then started on Dilantin a seizure medication. To keep this as short as possible. The seizures lessoned in intensity but continued on the right side of his face and right arm for several days. They increased the Dilantin, added Depakote and when he still didn't stop they put him on Keppra. All anti-seizure medications.
Dr. Lica ordered another catscan and it showed he had another cerebral hemorrhage in a totally separate area. He told me that Clark needed brain surgery, that another clot had formed and was pushing Clark's brain to the right and was causing further damage and could even result in death if not removed. So, Thursday Dr. Lica removed a blood clot from Clark's brain, which the doctor told me was a size of a lemon.
Clark was in a coma and on life support for about a week, if I remember correctly. Those were very long days and nights. I met many families with loved ones during that time. I will never forget them, we helped each other with talk, tears and silence....
**Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.** Psalm 136:1
A typical grand mal starts with a loss of consciouness and falling down. This is followed by a 15- to 20-second period with muscle rigidity (tonic phase) and then a one- to two-minute period of violent, rhythmic convulsions (clonic phase). Most grand mal seizures last from one to two minutes.
Katie the nurse told me that Clark was up sitting up in a chair watching TV, when they heard something and they went into his room, where they saw him on his knees with is head on the bed, saying wrong, he then went into a Grand mal seizure which lasted 3 minutes. She told me that was long for a Grand mal.
They had been giving Clark a medication called Ativan in increasing amounts trying to stop the seizures, but his seizures started to increase in intensity. He then started to froth at the mouth, which really got to me. I said to them calmly, but in a raised voice..."He is frothing". Katie said "yes I see" and went to call the doctor again.
He was then started on Dilantin a seizure medication. To keep this as short as possible. The seizures lessoned in intensity but continued on the right side of his face and right arm for several days. They increased the Dilantin, added Depakote and when he still didn't stop they put him on Keppra. All anti-seizure medications.
Dr. Lica ordered another catscan and it showed he had another cerebral hemorrhage in a totally separate area. He told me that Clark needed brain surgery, that another clot had formed and was pushing Clark's brain to the right and was causing further damage and could even result in death if not removed. So, Thursday Dr. Lica removed a blood clot from Clark's brain, which the doctor told me was a size of a lemon.
Clark was in a coma and on life support for about a week, if I remember correctly. Those were very long days and nights. I met many families with loved ones during that time. I will never forget them, we helped each other with talk, tears and silence....
**Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.** Psalm 136:1
Friday, November 19, 2004
4 days
It has been 4 days since I ran over Muffin in the driveway. She keeps coming into my mind at work, the sight of her suffering. When I get home I visualize her coming to see me, feeding her, hugging her, her dorky personality, when I get in bed I look where she used to be and she isn't. There is nothing I can do, to undo what I did. I know time will soften this, but right now, I just want Muffin back. I am sorry this is depressing...but I loved Muffin, she was so special and such a dork.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
My Dog
I arrived home last night after work, it was dark and I saw my dog running down the drive, she was starting to come out to road where I was by the mailbox. I told her to get back and she did. I pulled in the driveway and I don't know, I don't know how it happened, but I felt a bump and yelps. Oh my god, I killed her. I told her how sorry I was and ran screaming for Clark ... Words cannot describe how I feel.
I miss her so much, how could that have happened?
I miss her so much, how could that have happened?
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Stroke Three
I arrive at the hospital, Tower 6 - ICU for Head Trauma. I run to the front doors, which are locked, so I search for a way in and spot the intercom for security, "My husband is in ICU and is having seizures, I need to get up there". I arrive on the 6th floor which is very quiet, all the families I have met with loved ones in ICU are sleeping in the family waiting room. I push through the ICU doors and rush into Clark's room, where I see 3 nurses trying to hold him down in his bed. He is having seizures and is very agitated. They have removed his gown, so he is unclothed and they are trying to keep him laying down, but he gets on his knees and starts to urinate. One nurse yells as she tries to push him back down, he is incontinent now, get the doctor back on the phone, the Ativan isn't working. Clark is saying, "Wrong, Wrong, My God, My God", he keeps repeating it over and over. I don't know how to describe to you, that those words caused me physical pain. I will never, never forget the anguish in his voice, as he continued to have seizures.
I joined them in trying to push him back down, talking to him at the same time, "Clark I am here, it is Ann - lay back down", but he is seizing and doesn't seem aware of anyone around him. We finally get him back down, but he is still having seizures. Katie the nurse tells me what has happened...
I joined them in trying to push him back down, talking to him at the same time, "Clark I am here, it is Ann - lay back down", but he is seizing and doesn't seem aware of anyone around him. We finally get him back down, but he is still having seizures. Katie the nurse tells me what has happened...
ICU and Recovery ??
Clark is started on a drug to reduce swelling in the brain. Dr. Lica the neurosurgeon comes into the room. He has just moved here from Texas and has been at this hospital for a week. He turns out to be a great doctor...
Clark is moved to ICU and the waiting begins. Dr. Lica tell us that he bled about 3 tablespoons into the left temporal lobe. He wants to monitor Clark, because he is borderline for surgery. He hopes that he will stabilize and it won't be necessary, usually with a cerebral hemorrhage it will stabilize in about 6 hours. They will take another catscan and wait an see. I spend Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night at the hospital in the family waiting room and the days with Clark. The only major side affect Clark seems to have is Aphasia. I am very concerned how will I communicate with Clark, he thinks the words come out correctly, but they don't. They make no sense. A door is a clock, time is a dog, freeway is Dracula. Monday, Dr. Lica gives us the good news that Clark should fully recover and doesn't even need therapy! Just give it time, the bleeding that occurred should dissipate and the aphasia should go away. Clark is sitting up,watching TV, and giving the nurses a hard time. The nurses feel he should be released, but Dr. Lica says I want you to stay in ICU until Thursday. If everything is okay then, we will release you. I talk to Clark and since the doctor feels he will totally recover, we decide that I should go to work on Tuesday and I will spend the night at my mothers. She is located much closer to hospital then Clark and I. So, on Tuesday after work I go and visit Clark, he is being his usual "bad patient", he keeps removing his monitors and Jude the nurse gets very upset with him, which in turn Clark gets very upset with her. I am afraid Clark will jump up and leave. (he has done that several times in hospital settings and I know that very well). Anyway, everything calms down, so I go to my mothers for the night. My mother and I talk, while I have a glass of wine and I voice my concern on Clark's aphasia and we talk about my step-father and step-sister, who also had strokes this year. 9PM roles around, so I take my anti-depressant that helps me sleep.... I am sleeping....11:45PM, the phone rings??? I immediately wake up and hear my mother talking on the phone, "I will get her right away". Oh no, what is wrong? I take the phone and an ICU nurse named Katie says, "your husband is having seizures, we can't get them to stop". I ask "Is it okay if I come down?" She says "yes, of course you can. I am in a panic ... What has gone wrong...? The night turns out to be very long.....
Clark is moved to ICU and the waiting begins. Dr. Lica tell us that he bled about 3 tablespoons into the left temporal lobe. He wants to monitor Clark, because he is borderline for surgery. He hopes that he will stabilize and it won't be necessary, usually with a cerebral hemorrhage it will stabilize in about 6 hours. They will take another catscan and wait an see. I spend Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night at the hospital in the family waiting room and the days with Clark. The only major side affect Clark seems to have is Aphasia. I am very concerned how will I communicate with Clark, he thinks the words come out correctly, but they don't. They make no sense. A door is a clock, time is a dog, freeway is Dracula. Monday, Dr. Lica gives us the good news that Clark should fully recover and doesn't even need therapy! Just give it time, the bleeding that occurred should dissipate and the aphasia should go away. Clark is sitting up,watching TV, and giving the nurses a hard time. The nurses feel he should be released, but Dr. Lica says I want you to stay in ICU until Thursday. If everything is okay then, we will release you. I talk to Clark and since the doctor feels he will totally recover, we decide that I should go to work on Tuesday and I will spend the night at my mothers. She is located much closer to hospital then Clark and I. So, on Tuesday after work I go and visit Clark, he is being his usual "bad patient", he keeps removing his monitors and Jude the nurse gets very upset with him, which in turn Clark gets very upset with her. I am afraid Clark will jump up and leave. (he has done that several times in hospital settings and I know that very well). Anyway, everything calms down, so I go to my mothers for the night. My mother and I talk, while I have a glass of wine and I voice my concern on Clark's aphasia and we talk about my step-father and step-sister, who also had strokes this year. 9PM roles around, so I take my anti-depressant that helps me sleep.... I am sleeping....11:45PM, the phone rings??? I immediately wake up and hear my mother talking on the phone, "I will get her right away". Oh no, what is wrong? I take the phone and an ICU nurse named Katie says, "your husband is having seizures, we can't get them to stop". I ask "Is it okay if I come down?" She says "yes, of course you can. I am in a panic ... What has gone wrong...? The night turns out to be very long.....
Four Hours Ago
A nurse came in asking more questions, while I helped Clark undress. She started applying the wires from all the different machines and quickly started an IV, all the while asking more questions. Dr. Eu a neurologist came in and he to started asking me endless questions, but while on the move. They were rushing Clark for a catscan.
While Clark was in being scanned, one of the questions Dr. Eu asked was "How long ago did the symptoms start?" Well, it was 3:00 now...so "four hours ago". He told me it was too late then for the clot busting drug, it has to be administered with 3 hours.
An overwhelming guilt rushed over me, while I held back the tears. The doctor then went in to view the catscan results while I waited in a chair. As I sat there, I was saying in my mind over and over...Please God, Please God.
Dr. Eu rushed out of the room, motioning to me to fall in beside him. He was walking and talking very fast. "Clark isn't having a stroke from a clot, it is from a cerebral hemorrhage, which I can't help him with. He needs a neurosurgeon. The clot buster would not have helped him, it actually would have made it worse. Unfortunately, the survival rate for a cerebral hemorrhage is not as good as a ischemic stroke." He said Clark might need surgery. I think at that point I went kind of numb. I knew I wasn't absorbing everything they were telling me, but right then I also made a clear decision with myself..I had to focus, no more emotions from here on out. I must hear everthing they are telling me, I am the only one for Clark and I can't let him down....
While Clark was in being scanned, one of the questions Dr. Eu asked was "How long ago did the symptoms start?" Well, it was 3:00 now...so "four hours ago". He told me it was too late then for the clot busting drug, it has to be administered with 3 hours.
An overwhelming guilt rushed over me, while I held back the tears. The doctor then went in to view the catscan results while I waited in a chair. As I sat there, I was saying in my mind over and over...Please God, Please God.
Dr. Eu rushed out of the room, motioning to me to fall in beside him. He was walking and talking very fast. "Clark isn't having a stroke from a clot, it is from a cerebral hemorrhage, which I can't help him with. He needs a neurosurgeon. The clot buster would not have helped him, it actually would have made it worse. Unfortunately, the survival rate for a cerebral hemorrhage is not as good as a ischemic stroke." He said Clark might need surgery. I think at that point I went kind of numb. I knew I wasn't absorbing everything they were telling me, but right then I also made a clear decision with myself..I had to focus, no more emotions from here on out. I must hear everthing they are telling me, I am the only one for Clark and I can't let him down....
Friday, November 12, 2004
Lighter Side??
I have a draft started to continue my therapy about Clark.. but I feel like I want to just blog, blog about nothing or blog about something.... I am 51, probably much older then the bloggers I have read. The blogs that disturb me are the suicide blogs, or the worry of suicide. I tried to commit suicide when I was 19, I had given birth and given up my child for adoption. I wrote your typical suicide letter, put on my nightgown, swallowed several Seconal and layed down to die. Well, I don't remember this but evidently I really didn't want to die. I had gotten up and went next door to a friend of mine for help. They were not there...but even though I wasn't saved at the time, the Lord decided to help me out. My friend, who I went to get help from, was with her husband and was planning on spending the night with their relatives. The miracle occurs here, she felt such a strong urge to go home, she convinced her husband to do so. Well, when she got back to her apartment, she saw that my cats were out, so she walked down the hall and saw my door ajar. Of course, by that time I was gone. They couldn't wake me no matter what they did. They called 911 ..... I have a very brief memory of puking over and over (how nice)...I remember someone saying did you drink Bleach? (I had some bleach in the bathroom, where I had cleaned something). My response was "NO, what do you think I am crazy?" To this day that makes me chuckle, I just tried to kill myself, so that was a very logical question for them to ask, but to me I was horrified, DRINK BLEACH?????? I ended up in ICU, a breathing tube, and the Lord taking care of me. I fully recovered, and though there are times I get a glimpse of suicide, I learned a lesson from that experience.. that no matter what happens, it will get better... I want to let you know that if you even think of suicide, please..please... wait... it will, I promise.. it will get better.....You will have many, many happy moments
I had to change my title from Lighter Side ...to Lighter Side??
I had to change my title from Lighter Side ...to Lighter Side??
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Emergency Room
Everything is happening fast now. Clark is in good spirits and doesn't seem concerned. He tries to answer their questions, but the wrong words are coming out.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Call 911
I beg Clark, "Let me call 911 and yelling at him, you are having a stroke".
Clark is now talking nonsense, words are coming out that have no bearing on what is happening, nor the circumstances. But, he is able to yell "NO" to 911. He starts to get up from the couch to leave, I tell him Clark your lip is drooping, your eye is drooping, you are slurring and talking nonsense, please let me call 911. But again he rises to leave. So, I stop trying to convince him about 911 and go to "Okay, not 911 but please the hospital, let me take you to Riverside". Again, he says no. I sat down and started to cry, he then got irritated and on the verge of out right mad. I yelled in my head to myself, don't do this, pull it together. I went into our bedroom and put my face in my hands and prayed to God, help me, tell me what to do ! I went back to Clark and kneeled in from of him and calmly said "Clark you know how much I love you. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, you have got to trust me, you are having a stroke. Please trust me, just listen to me and let me take you to Riverside. It took several times of repeating this, when he finally said yes. I could take him to Riverside, but only Riverside. I told him Thank you....
Note: Do not listen to the person having the stroke. Call 911, they don't know what they are saying, and they need you to take control. Do not do as I did. Remember this also, after it is all said and done, they won't remember any of it anyway. Clark doesn't. So be strong ...call 911.
Clark is now talking nonsense, words are coming out that have no bearing on what is happening, nor the circumstances. But, he is able to yell "NO" to 911. He starts to get up from the couch to leave, I tell him Clark your lip is drooping, your eye is drooping, you are slurring and talking nonsense, please let me call 911. But again he rises to leave. So, I stop trying to convince him about 911 and go to "Okay, not 911 but please the hospital, let me take you to Riverside". Again, he says no. I sat down and started to cry, he then got irritated and on the verge of out right mad. I yelled in my head to myself, don't do this, pull it together. I went into our bedroom and put my face in my hands and prayed to God, help me, tell me what to do ! I went back to Clark and kneeled in from of him and calmly said "Clark you know how much I love you. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, you have got to trust me, you are having a stroke. Please trust me, just listen to me and let me take you to Riverside. It took several times of repeating this, when he finally said yes. I could take him to Riverside, but only Riverside. I told him Thank you....
Note: Do not listen to the person having the stroke. Call 911, they don't know what they are saying, and they need you to take control. Do not do as I did. Remember this also, after it is all said and done, they won't remember any of it anyway. Clark doesn't. So be strong ...call 911.
Prayers
I am starting to pray in my head, quick short prayers, calling to God to help Clark and to tell me what to do.
We are in our driveway, he his getting worse and worse, I am shaking so badly.
I tell Clark, I am taking you to Riverside Hospital, but he says "NO", gets out of the car,goes into the house and sits down on the couch.
Ouch...I tried to publish my longest therapy session and lost it.
It said something like this:
I interrupt this blog due to "Internal Server Error" .... and wiped it all out. All that is left is what you see above.
Maybe someone is trying to tell me something. My computer crashes and wipes out my journal, now my blog crashes. LOL
I will try again later, I am insistent that I record this experience. I actually just want to get it recorded and be done with it. Why I don't know, I just do.
So to myself....until next time, I will continue.
We are in our driveway, he his getting worse and worse, I am shaking so badly.
I tell Clark, I am taking you to Riverside Hospital, but he says "NO", gets out of the car,goes into the house and sits down on the couch.
Ouch...I tried to publish my longest therapy session and lost it.
It said something like this:
I interrupt this blog due to "Internal Server Error" .... and wiped it all out. All that is left is what you see above.
Maybe someone is trying to tell me something. My computer crashes and wipes out my journal, now my blog crashes. LOL
I will try again later, I am insistent that I record this experience. I actually just want to get it recorded and be done with it. Why I don't know, I just do.
So to myself....until next time, I will continue.
Saturday, November 06, 2004
6 Days Later
I came home from work, 6 days later, on a Thursday. Clark talked about a sudden headache he had earlier in the day. It was very localized on the left side. He showed me with his fingers, right behind the left temple. But he said it was gone and he felt okay. As before with the 1st stroke we went into a denial. Mistake #1. We decided it was probably from the surgery but nothing really serious and it would not happen again. But, when I came home Friday night, he was having that same severe headache. I asked him if he wanted to go to the emergency room, but he didn't. (sound familiar..)
So, I called the doctor who did the surgery on his artery. It was after office hours, so I had to leave a voicemail for someone to call us back. A different doctor called back and I started to explain what Clark was feeling, when I decided I should give the phone to Clark, so he could explain where and how severe the pain was. That was Mistake #2. Clark spoke to the doctor for a very short time and hung up. I asked Clark "what did the doctor say?", but all Clark would tell me was, "the doctor doesn't know what he his talking about". I didn't push the issue, not wanting to upset him anymore. The pain thankfully subsided again. We again figured or hoped it wouldn't come back. But, the next day on Saturday around 11:00 AM, I was standing on the deck looking at the fields and enjoying the sun on my face. Clark came up behind me and circled his arms around my waist. We snuggled into each other, when suddenly Clark grabbed his left temple in severe pain. He went to the bedroom and kneeled by the bed with his face into the bedcover and his hands on his head. I knew then something was terribly wrong. I didn't really know he was already being affected mentally. But, this time I didn't ask, I told him that he had to go to the emergency room. Clark agreed that he should go, but when he was putting on his shoes very slowly, he started to smile at me, like I was over reacting. My heart started to pound harder, and my mind was racing. Well, we went to a local emergency room, about 20 minutes from us, but not an emergency room that Clark ever thought much of. Clark sat down and I told the person at the registration desk I thought Clark was having a stroke. That was the only logical thing I could think of at this point. (Wow, I actually started to wake up!) Unfortunately, no one came out immediately to help, giving proof for Clark's dislike of the place, and also giving him reason to get up and leave. When I caught up with him in the parking lot, I grabbed his arm and begged him to go back in, but he wouldn't. We started driving and I asked him to let me take him to another hospital, but he refused and said to take him home. As I drove, he turned to look at me and the horror I felt was undescribeable. I first saw that his right lip was drooping and Oh my God, his right eye. I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest, I knew right at that point, I had to keep it together. I could not, I would not fall apart. Clark needed me the most he ever did in our life's together. I said, "Clark you are having a stroke, you have got to let me take you back to the hospital. He adamantly refused and insisted I take hime home, and now his words were starting slur. Mistake # 3....I took him home. I loss of valuable time....
So, I called the doctor who did the surgery on his artery. It was after office hours, so I had to leave a voicemail for someone to call us back. A different doctor called back and I started to explain what Clark was feeling, when I decided I should give the phone to Clark, so he could explain where and how severe the pain was. That was Mistake #2. Clark spoke to the doctor for a very short time and hung up. I asked Clark "what did the doctor say?", but all Clark would tell me was, "the doctor doesn't know what he his talking about". I didn't push the issue, not wanting to upset him anymore. The pain thankfully subsided again. We again figured or hoped it wouldn't come back. But, the next day on Saturday around 11:00 AM, I was standing on the deck looking at the fields and enjoying the sun on my face. Clark came up behind me and circled his arms around my waist. We snuggled into each other, when suddenly Clark grabbed his left temple in severe pain. He went to the bedroom and kneeled by the bed with his face into the bedcover and his hands on his head. I knew then something was terribly wrong. I didn't really know he was already being affected mentally. But, this time I didn't ask, I told him that he had to go to the emergency room. Clark agreed that he should go, but when he was putting on his shoes very slowly, he started to smile at me, like I was over reacting. My heart started to pound harder, and my mind was racing. Well, we went to a local emergency room, about 20 minutes from us, but not an emergency room that Clark ever thought much of. Clark sat down and I told the person at the registration desk I thought Clark was having a stroke. That was the only logical thing I could think of at this point. (Wow, I actually started to wake up!) Unfortunately, no one came out immediately to help, giving proof for Clark's dislike of the place, and also giving him reason to get up and leave. When I caught up with him in the parking lot, I grabbed his arm and begged him to go back in, but he wouldn't. We started driving and I asked him to let me take him to another hospital, but he refused and said to take him home. As I drove, he turned to look at me and the horror I felt was undescribeable. I first saw that his right lip was drooping and Oh my God, his right eye. I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest, I knew right at that point, I had to keep it together. I could not, I would not fall apart. Clark needed me the most he ever did in our life's together. I said, "Clark you are having a stroke, you have got to let me take you back to the hospital. He adamantly refused and insisted I take hime home, and now his words were starting slur. Mistake # 3....I took him home. I loss of valuable time....
July 25th Comes and Go's
Clark began cleaning up around our home immediately. We live on a "farm" you might say.
Clark built our home and barn from the ground up, by the way. He is amazing to me, he could read anything and then do it. I would not be suprised if he qualified as a genius. He also was a "hoarder" you might say. He found value in everything, he could see what it could become or what he could do with. Because of this, we had a lot of "stuff" all over the place. After his diagnosis though, he started working almost feverishly organizing and trying to clean up. He told me one day, he didn't want to leave me with a mess to clean up.
July 25th arrived, Clark wasn't very nervous, which suprised me, but thankful since he couldn't take valium this time. He went into the operating room and 3 hours later the doctor came out to talk to me. He said "Everything went fine, I reduced his chance of having another stroke by 90%". What a relief ! He only spent one night in the hospital and then can home. He seemed fine almost immediately, was up and about like nothing happened. We started discussing options for his heart; Clark wanted to talk to the doctor in hopes that he would re-think doing stents. I thought this was very unlikely, since the doctor previously said to him "yes I could put stents in, but you'll be coming back again and again to have it redone. But, if you want to put my kids trhough college, I'll do it". That sounds harsh doesn't it? But truth often does. We never got to a decision though, because 6 days after his surgery the headaches began. Well, I will continue on later, the next blog might be lengthy, so a break is in order....
Clark built our home and barn from the ground up, by the way. He is amazing to me, he could read anything and then do it. I would not be suprised if he qualified as a genius. He also was a "hoarder" you might say. He found value in everything, he could see what it could become or what he could do with. Because of this, we had a lot of "stuff" all over the place. After his diagnosis though, he started working almost feverishly organizing and trying to clean up. He told me one day, he didn't want to leave me with a mess to clean up.
July 25th arrived, Clark wasn't very nervous, which suprised me, but thankful since he couldn't take valium this time. He went into the operating room and 3 hours later the doctor came out to talk to me. He said "Everything went fine, I reduced his chance of having another stroke by 90%". What a relief ! He only spent one night in the hospital and then can home. He seemed fine almost immediately, was up and about like nothing happened. We started discussing options for his heart; Clark wanted to talk to the doctor in hopes that he would re-think doing stents. I thought this was very unlikely, since the doctor previously said to him "yes I could put stents in, but you'll be coming back again and again to have it redone. But, if you want to put my kids trhough college, I'll do it". That sounds harsh doesn't it? But truth often does. We never got to a decision though, because 6 days after his surgery the headaches began. Well, I will continue on later, the next blog might be lengthy, so a break is in order....
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Valium QUICK !!
Angiogram: An examination of your blood vessels using x-rays. There are 3 major steps;
1) insertion of a catheter into your body, 2) taking x-ray pictures while contrast (x-ray dye) is being injected into a vessel, and 3) removal of the catheter.
Atherosclerosis: Comes from the Greek words athero (meaning gruel or paste) and sclerosis (hardness). The process in which deposits of fatty substances, cholesterol, cellular waste products, calcium and other substances build up in the inner lining of an artery. This buildup is called plaque.
Carotid Artery Endarectomy: A surgical procedure to manually remove fat and cholesterol build-up from inside the carotid artery and restore adequate blood flow to the brain.
It took two attempts for Clark to get his angiogram done. Clark developed "Anxiety attacks" a few years back, when he was having a MRI for his back. They only occur when he is having an MRI or is very stressed. I warned the first Cardiologist we saw, that Clark would need a sedative before the angiogram, but this doctor didn't listen.
The day arrived for the angiogram and we actually made it clear to the registration desk, but that was about it. You could see the agitation Clark was feeling and unfortunately, the registration "Lady" was not very patient oriented. I had went up first and tried to tell her he needed to go in right away and not to make him wait. That I would complete any paperwork etc. But, she wasn't having any of that... She needed Clark to come up and complete the information. Well, Clark came up and was trying to joke, but was making it clear, that his anxiety level was about to explode.
Here is the end of the short conversation:
Registration Lady: "Sir, you will just need to learn patience".
Clark: "Patience, PATIENCE, I will show you PATIENCE, I am out of HERE.
And gone....I see Clark's back as he runs out of the room.
I drove around the hospital, up and down the different roads, in all directions, for at least 2 hours looking for Clark. Tears breaking through at times. I was so worried for Clark. I finally decided to head home, and there he was, walking down the road. Well, after words of assurance that we would go home and forget the procedure, he got in the car. I promptly broke into tears of release. We kissed and went home. Oh yes, Do you know where Clark had been for 2 hours?? Bob Evan's having coffee... What can I say? What a relief but can I wring your neck first?
We found a new cardiologist, who listened...
Clark got the angiogram done, after taking Valium everyday for 5 days prior to the procedure, and 4 right before we left for the hospital.
The doctor's recommendation....to our shock was, a triple bypass and an Endarectomy on the left side. Oh, you also have a blockage in your left femoral artery of the leg. Come to find out, Clark has Atherosclerosis through out his body. My reaction was okay, now we know, let's fix it. Do the surgeries and fix him!! But Clark had other ideas;
Clark absolutely refused to have the triple bypass done. But agreed to the endarectomy. The doctors told him that without doing both, there would be a chance that he could have a heart attack during the operation. But, at least he would be in the hospital if it happened, so they could react quickly. (Oh GREAT) The doctor's did agree to do just the left carotid artery, saying "We can fix your heart but not your brain". Meaning, the chances of another stroke within a year was very high if they didn't get the artery cleared. The last thing either one of us wanted, was for another stroke to happen. Clark was very concerned about being a burden to me if that would occur. So, we scheduled his Endarectomy for July 25th, 2003.
In a sense, it was a relief to know what was wrong and we had a plan in place to fix things. Fix, the carotid and then we would discuss the heart later.
Anyway, Valium saved the day. Clark was very relaxed.... He was quite funny...
Thank God, that part was over....
1) insertion of a catheter into your body, 2) taking x-ray pictures while contrast (x-ray dye) is being injected into a vessel, and 3) removal of the catheter.
Atherosclerosis: Comes from the Greek words athero (meaning gruel or paste) and sclerosis (hardness). The process in which deposits of fatty substances, cholesterol, cellular waste products, calcium and other substances build up in the inner lining of an artery. This buildup is called plaque.
Carotid Artery Endarectomy: A surgical procedure to manually remove fat and cholesterol build-up from inside the carotid artery and restore adequate blood flow to the brain.
It took two attempts for Clark to get his angiogram done. Clark developed "Anxiety attacks" a few years back, when he was having a MRI for his back. They only occur when he is having an MRI or is very stressed. I warned the first Cardiologist we saw, that Clark would need a sedative before the angiogram, but this doctor didn't listen.
The day arrived for the angiogram and we actually made it clear to the registration desk, but that was about it. You could see the agitation Clark was feeling and unfortunately, the registration "Lady" was not very patient oriented. I had went up first and tried to tell her he needed to go in right away and not to make him wait. That I would complete any paperwork etc. But, she wasn't having any of that... She needed Clark to come up and complete the information. Well, Clark came up and was trying to joke, but was making it clear, that his anxiety level was about to explode.
Here is the end of the short conversation:
Registration Lady: "Sir, you will just need to learn patience".
Clark: "Patience, PATIENCE, I will show you PATIENCE, I am out of HERE.
And gone....I see Clark's back as he runs out of the room.
I drove around the hospital, up and down the different roads, in all directions, for at least 2 hours looking for Clark. Tears breaking through at times. I was so worried for Clark. I finally decided to head home, and there he was, walking down the road. Well, after words of assurance that we would go home and forget the procedure, he got in the car. I promptly broke into tears of release. We kissed and went home. Oh yes, Do you know where Clark had been for 2 hours?? Bob Evan's having coffee... What can I say? What a relief but can I wring your neck first?
We found a new cardiologist, who listened...
Clark got the angiogram done, after taking Valium everyday for 5 days prior to the procedure, and 4 right before we left for the hospital.
The doctor's recommendation....to our shock was, a triple bypass and an Endarectomy on the left side. Oh, you also have a blockage in your left femoral artery of the leg. Come to find out, Clark has Atherosclerosis through out his body. My reaction was okay, now we know, let's fix it. Do the surgeries and fix him!! But Clark had other ideas;
Clark absolutely refused to have the triple bypass done. But agreed to the endarectomy. The doctors told him that without doing both, there would be a chance that he could have a heart attack during the operation. But, at least he would be in the hospital if it happened, so they could react quickly. (Oh GREAT) The doctor's did agree to do just the left carotid artery, saying "We can fix your heart but not your brain". Meaning, the chances of another stroke within a year was very high if they didn't get the artery cleared. The last thing either one of us wanted, was for another stroke to happen. Clark was very concerned about being a burden to me if that would occur. So, we scheduled his Endarectomy for July 25th, 2003.
In a sense, it was a relief to know what was wrong and we had a plan in place to fix things. Fix, the carotid and then we would discuss the heart later.
Anyway, Valium saved the day. Clark was very relaxed.... He was quite funny...
Thank God, that part was over....
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Back Pain Please
Clark was having reccuring back pain from an automobile accident years ago, which he had surgery to correct. We went to the neurologist to get things checked out. The additional symptoms we gave the doctor besides the pain he was having in his back, was numbness on the inside of the lower right foot and calf. Tingling in the right hand, and others I can't remember, but they were enough to make the doctor suspicious. Clark was given a nerve test for his back, but was also given a carotid artery doppler and a catscan.
I walked in the door one day from work, to a yell from Clark, "Ann get on the phone".
He was talking to the neurologist, who was giving us some eye opening news.
"Clark, your left carotid artery is 90% blocked, your right is 60% blocked. You already have had a small stroke. The symptoms you are experiencing are from that stroke.
Whoa.....There went that ignorant bliss. Light bulbs started blinking on... back in February....
Ann: "Clark remember back in February when your vision went?"
Clark: "YES I remember"
Ann and Clark almost at the same time: "No wonder your handwriting is a mess"
Ann: "How could we be so blind!"
Clark: "I did suspect it, I just didn't want to talk about it".
See Clark used to be a paramedic, so he knew all the symptoms he experienced, pointed to a stroke. But, he didn't want to admit it. And me, well how in denial could I have been. I should have known, I should have done something sooner, because come to find out, Clark was in a fog, he didn't remember hardly anything after February 2003. I should have taken control of the situation, but it was so nice to just snuggle into "Mr. Denial and Ignorant Bliss".
Anyway, Goodbye Mr. Neurologist for now and Hello to Mr. Cardiologist.....
Oh, by the way......Back Pain? What Back Pain?
I walked in the door one day from work, to a yell from Clark, "Ann get on the phone".
He was talking to the neurologist, who was giving us some eye opening news.
"Clark, your left carotid artery is 90% blocked, your right is 60% blocked. You already have had a small stroke. The symptoms you are experiencing are from that stroke.
Whoa.....There went that ignorant bliss. Light bulbs started blinking on... back in February....
Ann: "Clark remember back in February when your vision went?"
Clark: "YES I remember"
Ann and Clark almost at the same time: "No wonder your handwriting is a mess"
Ann: "How could we be so blind!"
Clark: "I did suspect it, I just didn't want to talk about it".
See Clark used to be a paramedic, so he knew all the symptoms he experienced, pointed to a stroke. But, he didn't want to admit it. And me, well how in denial could I have been. I should have known, I should have done something sooner, because come to find out, Clark was in a fog, he didn't remember hardly anything after February 2003. I should have taken control of the situation, but it was so nice to just snuggle into "Mr. Denial and Ignorant Bliss".
Anyway, Goodbye Mr. Neurologist for now and Hello to Mr. Cardiologist.....
Oh, by the way......Back Pain? What Back Pain?
Heed the Warnings
Signs of a Stroke:
Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body.
Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding.
Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes.
Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination.
Sudden severe headache with no known cause.
If you or anyone you know, experiences any of these symptoms, call 911. I mean it !!
Heed the warnings....
Clark was watching TV one day, February 2003. He called to me that he couldn't see out of his left eye. I went to him and tried to figure out what to do and how serious it was. He previously had been having "migraines" with the aura of bright lights, but no headache. Or at least that is what one doctor diagnosed, who we no longer see.
Anyway, this is a little of the dialog we had:
Ann: Do you want to go to the emergency room?
Clark: I don't know
Ann: Is it going away? Are you in pain?
Clark: NO !
Ann: What do you want to do? Do you want to go to the emergency room?
Clark: I DON'T KNOW !
Ann: Oh forget it. You let me know if you need me. I will be in the bedroom.
Well,I got mad and figured it couldn't be all that serious and he was just over reacting. His vision returned after about an hour. We basically just forgot about it.
After that episode, his handwriting changed, it wasn't the nice handwriting he had before, it was shaky and almost unreadable at times. He talked of numbness in his right hand and right leg. He complained a lot that he couldn't focus on anything. HOW in denial could two people be. Denial how amazingly strong it is. Well, time passed on for about 4 months, with us in ignorant bliss...
Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body.
Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding.
Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes.
Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination.
Sudden severe headache with no known cause.
If you or anyone you know, experiences any of these symptoms, call 911. I mean it !!
Heed the warnings....
Clark was watching TV one day, February 2003. He called to me that he couldn't see out of his left eye. I went to him and tried to figure out what to do and how serious it was. He previously had been having "migraines" with the aura of bright lights, but no headache. Or at least that is what one doctor diagnosed, who we no longer see.
Anyway, this is a little of the dialog we had:
Ann: Do you want to go to the emergency room?
Clark: I don't know
Ann: Is it going away? Are you in pain?
Clark: NO !
Ann: What do you want to do? Do you want to go to the emergency room?
Clark: I DON'T KNOW !
Ann: Oh forget it. You let me know if you need me. I will be in the bedroom.
Well,I got mad and figured it couldn't be all that serious and he was just over reacting. His vision returned after about an hour. We basically just forgot about it.
After that episode, his handwriting changed, it wasn't the nice handwriting he had before, it was shaky and almost unreadable at times. He talked of numbness in his right hand and right leg. He complained a lot that he couldn't focus on anything. HOW in denial could two people be. Denial how amazingly strong it is. Well, time passed on for about 4 months, with us in ignorant bliss...
Finally
How frustrating, I just started blogging and have only done two post. I went to post yesterday and I couldn't login. No matter what I did. It wouldn't recognize my password. I think I created 3 new ones. I deleted cookies, I checked my security settings, etc. etc. So, "help" said to try a new browser, Mozilla Firefox. So, I downloaded that and started trying my new and different passwords. Well, here I am under my original one. I found it interesting how hooked I am already. I was really bummed. Well, I am going to log out again and try my luck. If I succeed I will continue with my therapy.....
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